How Not to Prepare for a Colonoscopy

They say colonoscopies are for old people. First off, that’s extremely offensive. The American Cancer Society recommends getting a colonoscopy beginning at age 50. My mom is in her 50’s and she has made it very clear that she is not old. She radiates wisdom, beauty, and youthfulness. Don’t worry mom I got your back. Secondly, I would still consider myself a spring chicken, and I had to get a colonoscopy the other day. And despite my optimism and best effort to prepare properly, things don’t always turn out as planned.

With my appendicitis issue in Australia (If you missed that drama read here:https://medium.com/@kendelish/my-hospital-visit-and-lessons-from-the-legendary-lillypad-fb12dc0b95ea) my doctor encouraged me to get a colonoscopy to make sure that nothing conspicuous is going on up in there. About a week ago, I met with the doctor and scheduled my colonoscopy for the next Monday. Before I left the office, the receptionist sat me down in her cubicle to go over some details of the exam.“Discontinue any herbs and supplements you are currently taking. No nuts or seeds, for five days. This includes fruits and veggies such as tomatoes, strawberries…”Being a nut fiend, my mind went spastic. No more almond butter!? No more roasted hazelnuts!? No more trail mix!? You might as well slice off my right arm while you’re at it! After 10 seconds of rapid psychotic thoughts, I realized this was only for a few days. I gained back my focus while the receptionist was in the midst of saying something about a clear liquid diet. She then went on to explain that I needed to pop some pills, buy 10 fl ounces of some magnesium potion, and mix an entire container of Miralax in 64 fl ounces of gatorade. I was to drink half of this torturous concoction beginning at 6pm on Sunday for the next two hours. Then, consume the other half at 1:30 am for two hours, followed by 24 more ounces of clear liquids. Uncontrollable bowel movements would naturally follow.I left the office uninspired and already missing my nuts. But then, a brilliant thought struck my brain. I’ve been on the Whole30 diet (essentially paleo with a few exceptions) for the past two months to help relieve some digestion issues. I have refrained from sweets for 2 months. This is a pretty large feat for me. I normally eat healthy and enjoy it, but I also have a massive sweet tooth. Like tyrannosaurus rex sized. Leave me unsupervised in the kitchen, and I become an uncontrollable sugar-craving monster, devouring anything sweet in my path. With that said, I believe everyone should indulge in what they love. I love food and if I’m going to have to clean out my entire system in three days, then now is the perfect opportunity to treat myself. So treat myself I did.The few days of fro-yo, burgers, and chocolate went by faster than a McDonalds drive-in. Before I knew it, it was Sunday, the day leading up to my big day. I was on the coast surfing with my friends (side note, surfing is my new obsession. I’ve only been a few times, but if I could have a do-over, I would highly contemplate devoting my life to surfing. I suck, but it’s just so much fun. I’ll save surfing for another post).We spent the day shreddin’ the gnar, which for them meant catching waves, for me it meant getting tossed countless times in mother nature’s washing machine. My friends packed along peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch, which was off limits for me. I began simultaneously salivating and shaking (unclear whether or not this was due to nut withdrawals or my cold, ocean-wet body) as I watched them down their pb and j’s. The only thing that kept me from socking them all in the face was the knowledge that I’d be forcing them to make a pitstop at Dairy Queen on the way home. It had been on my mind all weekend. In terms of desserts, it doesn’t get much better than a blizzard (a pizookie from BJs, Peach Wave fro-yo with ample toppings, and Salt N Straw snickerdoodle ice cream on a waffle cone are the only rivals I can think of). A Silk Pie Blizzard would be my last supper.We wrapped up surfing and were on our way to DQ at around 5:00. I was supposed to begin drinking my magic potions at 6:00, and we had only just began our 90 minute drive home. I was a smidge behind schedule, but it wasn’t a big deal.As I cherished each bite of my Blizzard, I decided to look up the colonoscopy prep details to get myself mentally prepared for the eventful night ahead of me. As I was looking up the information I had a sudden recollection of the receptionist mentioning something about a clear liquid diet. As this thought popped into my head, I inhaled another heaping spoonful of my Blizzard. At this exact moment, my mom called.“Kendall have you been on the clear liquid diet you are supposed to be on today?” Oops.I immediately called my doctor to confess my inability to follow directions. He informed me that I was the third person to call him today in regards to messing up the preparation diet. I think that fact was meant to make me feel better, but really it just made me question the intelligence of our country. He explained that young and healthy people, like myself, are usually fine if they falter on the preparation because our inner-workings function quite wonderfully. He then instructed me to drink twice as much Magnesium Citrate. That wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, but if I can bypass an entire day of not eating, then by golly I’d bathe myself in 10 gallons of that stuff.When I arrived home, it was game time. No messing around. I went to the store, bought my extra substances, then began the production. Multiple friends had warned me how awful this preparation is. This all-nighter would surely be a bit different than the the ones I had back in middle school with my soccer team, but my competitive nature propelled me to prove my friends wrong. This was going to be a euphoric occasion, a right of passage, if you will.I chugged my first bout of Magnesium Citrate, whose taste can only be described as Sour Patch Kids gone terribly wrong. Next, I mixed my gatorade and Miralax concoction into the most elegant glass vase I could find. I popped my pills, then headed to my lavatory. I adorned my feet with my fuzziest pair of cotton socks, lit a lemon verbena scented candle, turned on some Norah Jones, gathered my Kindle, situated myself atop my throne, and the rest is history.The night wasn’t nearly as bad as my wussypants friends had conveyed. Not only did I clear my internal passageways, I also performed a deep cleaning of my room, closet, and iTunes library. If anyone wants an all-around purifying experience, I highly recommend scheduling a colonoscopy.It was now time to finish the last and easiest piece of the puzzle; a trip to the clinic, a quick sedation, a peaceful nap, and I’d wake up feeling like a new woman. My mother graciously drove me to my appointment. We strolled into the office, checked in, and within a matter of minutes the nurse was there to begin the final act. This was all too easy. Before the nurse took my vitals, he asked to take a gander at my bowels. A peculiar question, but there’s a first for everything. I complied and the nurse came back with an unsettling look on his face.Apparently, I wasn’t cleared out enough, so they could not do the procedure today. I was instructed to go home and start the entire preparation process over again. No nuts, no seeds, no food for the rest of the day. And then I had to go to the store, stock up on massive amount of laxatives, chug them, and spend the night once again on my throne.As much as I wanted to be mad at the nurse, I couldn’t. This was 100% my fault. Ever since kindergarten, teachers and the like have told us to carefully read all of the instructions. This was a very unfortunate circumstance to disregard such advice.It’s my sincerest wish that this story saves future colonoscopers from making the same mistake. However, if you are the rebel type and want to follow in my footsteps, then I definitely understand. You’ll walk away having consumed the best Blizzard of your life, have a spotless clean room, a renewed appreciation for reading instructions, and become a member of the elite group who can say they’ve guzzled down two whole bottles of Miralax in two days. Now if that’s not a feat to be proud of, then I don’t know what is. Cheers to feeling more purified than ever before!