The Day I Decided to Quit Soccer but the Universe Shut me Down (unfiltered journal entry)
(Note: Writing is my release. Whenever I need to vomit out my thoughts, I place my fingers on my computer keys and type away. It’s often times not pretty-warning: heavy swearing- but that’s not the point. It’s simply for me to process. Below is a completely unfiltered journal entry of the day I first decided to let go of soccer, 7 months after my initial concussion, and the very next day, when a neurologist told me he could get me 70% better in a week. It was wild)
Below is the journal entry. You can also listen to the piece in audio form on the podcast here:
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5/17/16 3:43pm
Yesterday after my header progression, my brain wigged out. I felt like I took steps backwards. It was the first time I literally could feel the damage it was doing to my brain. And the question in my head emerged. is this really all worth it? At what cost? At the cost of my brain? My brain is my most valuable asset. It’s literally who I am. It’s what I believe will get me though this injury, yet it’s the very thing I’m trying to heal. I’m voluntarily causing impact to it and it’s truly unknown what will happen if I take another hard hit. Headers aside, a hard tackle can come at any time. And then the repercussions are unknown. Part of me believes that my mind is special. Well, I know it is. I know that it’s a fucking warrior. That it can overcome the seemingly impossible. And that I could push through and find a way to play. But another part of me questions if this is smart? By pushing through am I ignoring my bodies signals? Not entirely, but its clearly telling me that it doesn’t like heading and impact right now. Yet I’m trying to keep going. I truly believe that if you fully believe something to be true, it will be so. But there’s so much that seems to be out of my control in terms of if I will receive another blow. And then what?
This morning I spoke with Liza, Sam’s mom [my teammate who’s sister is still struggling with severe symptoms 10 years after her initial concussion]. I talked to her on my walk to the stadium for training. She was loaded with info. Super helpful. But every now and then she would come back around and say I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I would strongly, strongly consider never playing soccer again. She framed it in different ways every time. To quit. To retire. To give my brain a rest for good. Each time felt like a blow to my head, but I just let the shots take me. I had a headache the whole time I was talking to her, but I wanted to gather all my info. At one point I teared up. But pulled myself together without her knowing. Towards the end of the conversation she mentioned stopping playing again. She said that it’s just not worth the risk. She can’t possibly think of any reason it would be worth it. not after seeing her daughter struggle. For four years her daughter couldn’t dress herself. And 10 years later, she still struggles. She wouldn’t wish that on anyone. And this concussion isn’t only affecting me. Concussions affects our loved ones. She hates to see her daughter like that. She told me that she knows I identify so much with soccer, but there’s more to me than soccer. That my worth as Kendall Johnson the person is so much more valuable. And if I get re-injured, then it’s affecting more than just me. It’s affecting my parents, and my friends. That hit me good. and was the first time I thought about how it’s not about me. I hung up right as I arrived on the field and felt this crazy calmness. My body is telling me something. That it doesn’t like how it’s being treated. And I owe it to my body to listen.
I walked into the locker room with a smirk on my face. Like what the fuck is happening, is this real life, am I agreeing with the fact that I should maybe stop playing? This is the first time I’ve ever truly sided towards that and for some reason I feel at ease with it. A lot of me is in denial, but maybe its a sense of relief. I don't know. I then went over to talk to my athletic trainer. She was busy so I walked back with Sinc. I told her I don’t know what to do. She listened and said wow that’s tough. I told her ya I’m not looking for a response, there’s really not a lot to say. I just gotta think about it. We ended on that. Went to our meeting. And then I headed outside and into the clinic for rehab.
I went into a room, did my exercises and meditating. And then explained to my trainer all my thoughts. At first, she thought I was saying that I felt like I wasn’t being treated safely, but that’s not what I meant at all. I told her this was the first time, I was like “what the fuck am I doing, heading a ball after I just had a TBI.??” [I had to pass a test involving heading a ball form various distances in order to get cleared for full-contact training]. Like am I asking for permanent brain damage? I’m definitely not, but it’s a legitimate possibility. I then explained to my trainer how I just want to do what is best for me and the people around me. I fucking love soccer. I love it. It brings me so much joy but I know it doesn’t define who I am. And that there’s other things in my life that are just as fulfilling but that soccer is the route I have chosen. Ultimately, I believe my purpose is to inspire and positively influence millions. Soccer is my route to do that. It’s a great way to get exposure and to show people that if you relentlessly go after your dreams anything is possible, and that you can still be a humble, compassionate person throughout the whole process. Yet, I realize that there are other routes to fulfill this purpose. For me I’ve always been convinced that my way would be through soccer. That soccer is my path. And that I’m going to get through this. It’s a deep seeded belief that’s hard to crack. But my brain is my most valuable asset. it’s the thing that allows me to be Kendall Johnson and to do what I want to do and think my thoughts and be a fucking awesome person. If I don’t have soccer, I still have Kendall. If I don’t have my brain (from possibility of unforeseen head injury) I don’t have Kendall. Is it worth it, when I can pursue another route? Is my body telling me that it’s time? Is it more valiant and courageous to listen to my body and change paths even when I feel like I’m so close and want it so badly? To me it’s not seen as giving up. I’ve given so much to this game and will continue to until I stop. But maybe this entire journey was meant to happen to lead me to where I am to right now to realize that there are more important things in life. That I, Kendall Johnson, am fully in agreement that I have value and worth beyond the soccer field. I am fully confident in that. And I think that’s assuring.
I told my trainer that I don’t want to just stop playing. I’m not trying to quit or make any decisions right now, but I don’t think it’s smart to head the ball, I think it’s not good for my health at this moment in time. And she agreed. She said that this week we could do non-contact training all week but that we have made it to the point where I am on headers in my progression. They have been extra, extra cautious. It was supposed to take a few days to pass my header progression but it has taken 2 weeks so far…I have to keep moving through this progression if I want to keep playing, if I stop, then I’ll have to consider medical disqualification.
Holy fuck knuggets. Even hearing all of this, I felt at ease. I know that my health is the most important thing and it’s not worth sacrificing. It’s always been my biggest concern, but even moreso i am realizing the potential cost of coming back and procuring a blow just might not be worth it. I’m weirdly still at ease with it right now, but most definitely in some sort of denial. Just waiting for all the tears to flow. But for now I also think I’m feeling a sense of relief.
I kicked balls around with Meesh today. Long balls. It felt great just to be there. To kick around. Be present. And then I biked and talked to Nadia and Meg. I think this situation just forced me to be present so I didn’t get a chance to think about things. Just accept things as they are and let them be. I haven’t made any decisions yet as I’m still mulling over things.
This week I’m really going to take the time to talk to all my sources. Gather all my info and make the decision that’s best for me. I only have one life and I want to live the most rewarding one possible. Still don’t feel like crying. It’s weirding me out.
5/18/16 11:36am
The tears flowed last night. On the toilet. Taking a poop. Just from letting the situation sink in, not analyzing it, but they naturally arose. There will be more of that I know. But at the root of it all, my soul just feels at peace with it. I feel like it’s thanking me. Saying, thank you for listening to me. My brain has done so much for me and was powering through because I’m a fucking boss, but I feel like I have been neglecting my bodies signals. Thinking that this was all part of the process. But somewhere between those strong headaches and conversation with Liza, I felt a radical shift. A connectedness to myself. That forced me to open up and look at my situation from all angles.
I am at Fehrenbacher Hof right now and just read a portion of True Refuge by Tara Brach. It talks about the process she calls RAIN. R: Recognize what is happening A: Allow life to be just as it is I: Investigate inner experience with kindness N: Non-identification with the experience.
Unconsciously I applied this principle yesterday. I processed the fact that I am leaning towards letting soccer go. I allowed myself to feel those feelings. Then investigated the sensations inside, allowed the rest to manifest with non-identification, and at first I felt this sense of ease and relief, as if my soul was saying thank you finally, we can go on and fulfill your potential. It was followed by tears sure, but that’s to be expected.
This whole time I have been holding onto my belief system, the mental strength in my mind, using that incredible power to overcome and continue on my path. Every once in awhile I’d have these moments where i’d reflect and question where I was at. Like in Australia when I wondered if all of this was worth it? After working out, I established that it was. And was gungho all in. No turning back. That’s just how I have programmed myself. But then coming home, feeling so depleted last week I had another thought. What am I doing? What do i need to do to feel good? I made a shift then to really focus on getting healthy and lay back on the “coming back” and the “fitness”. I didn’t care about that, I was tired of ups and downs and ready to just feel good. Another unpeeled layer. Digging deeper into the reason I am coming back, what I want out of all of this.
I left the conversation with my athletic trainer with the determination to not give up but wondering what step to take. After talking with Meesh she advised me that I don’t need to change anything. I don’t need that added stress, just keep going, I am closer than I think. Great advice. And just like that, after a bit of sulking, I recharged myself more motivated than ever to get back to PT and prove all my doubters wrong.
What’s this thing about proving people wrong? Why do you have to prove to others? By saying that you are proving others wrong, you are saying that your feelings are dictated by others. That they have an influence on your life. That is a blatant sign that we are a lacking self-worth in one form or another. We are perfect just as we are.
So after that meeting, I took the week to really get healthy. Thinking that was the path that I needed to take to get me back more efficiently.
I truly feel like all of these revelations and reflections have allowed me to peel back, little by little, what my soul wants. When you have an entrenched belief, it is so hard to let it go. We are legitimately robots, programmed by our environment and thoughts. It’s not easy to undo these deep seated beliefs. Over the years I’ve built myself up to be fucking unstoppable. To truly believe it. That’s pretty awesome. Showing that I can build myself up to be whoever I want to be. But that doesn’t mean it’s in accordance with my truest self.
For instance, take a terrorist. They believe that they are killing people for a religion or higher purpose…they get these beliefs from their environment. They, with most fibers of their being, believe that that is their purpose, that is what they are meant to do. They surround themselves with like-minded people and create their own affirmations of this purpose, and in return are more and more convinced that violence is the answer.
But that’s not who they truly are. That’s not their purpose. The higher source, the one that is in all of us, the one who made us, would not do that.
I’m feeling incredibly empowered right now. Like the whole world is ahead of me. It all falls aback to our purpose, when we are on that path, things should be flowing, this path I’ve been on, it’s served it’s purpose, I’m fucking unstoppable, haha see I still write that kind of stuff out almost unconsciously. This path has served it’s purpose and guided me to here, and my soul feels fucking free.
6:21pm
Holy fuck LIFEEEEEEEE. I went to training today with the most calm feeling. I just wanted to enjoy the day whatever it entailed. I juggled with my teammates, did some passing, then watched the team do some drills. I then did a 30 minute low key bike. I got some symptoms on that but was pleased overall. I then went to Kiva with Meesh. Kiva, the owner, tried the zucchini chips I dehydrated, and so did mana, and meesh, and the guy Jason at Zilienskis. Everyone was so curious as to what they were it was funny. I like them. Ok so I went to Kiva with Meesh and explained to her all my feelings about soccer. How my soul is telling me it’s time. How it seems happy. I’m not ruling anything out, and am going to gather all the opinions I can and then make my choice, but it just seems right.
So then I go to Dr. Zilienskis for my functional neurology appointment. [This is a neurologist I’ve seen in the past for my migraines. I scheduled this appointment with him to get another opinion. I explain his modalities in detail in my next post]. I do an hour and a half of testing. Wearing goggles that track my eyes, following dots jumping around on a screen, spinning around in a chair… Stir up the pot. And then we go over my results and he tells me that things aren’t as bad as they look. That the big driver of my symptoms can be fixed. That I’m definitely stirred up but he believes he can fix me and get me back. He asked why I didn’t come in earlier and I should have reached out to him because he knows people in Australia. Good to know. ALWAYS REACH OUT TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE, GATHER OPINIONS AND MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION. K so he then asks me how long I have to get better. I said I literally just yesterday talked with this woman who’s daughter had 10 years of post concussion symptoms and she highly recommended me to stop playing. It’s just not worth the risk. And that I had told my PT this. And she said that we can do non contact this week but once I stop making progress, then I likely have to be medically disqualified.
He said well shit that’s a tight timeframe. But he said he can get me significantly-he thinks 70%- better in a week. He recommended doing an intensive. Where I am in there all day and get treatment 5 times in one day. He strongly believes it will help me. He says its worth a shot for sure and that he honestly wouldn’t say he thinks I’ll be ok to play if he didn’t think it. If he saw stuff that looked concerning he would tell me. He knows my history, he things I’m good. And explained how Sydney Crosby had a concussion, saw one of the guys he trained for a week and was back scoring 4 goals in the next game. Are you kidding me!! He said that stuff like CTE is not an issue with me. All the areas in my brain involved with that looks good. My cognitive stuff is all fine. Holy fuck. I told him I’m doing it. I don’t care what my schedule is like, I’m in. I want to feel good. But I also know that there is way more to life than soccer and don’t want to risk injuring myself really badly going back to where I was. He told me that he totally understands. And that if he were me that he would feeling the same thing. But he had this really bad mold in his house that made him literally feel like he was going to die. He forgot his kids names and everything. He never wants to go back there again. but he got back and better and believes I will do the same. I fucking love people like him!!! He tells it to me straight, no bullshit. Even cusses. “That’s the shit we need to fix.”
I then called Kelly Con. She’s the one who I reached out to yesterday, in my state of acceptance that I’m done with soccer. I wanted to get her advice since she’s been through years of concussion shit. Randomly at lunch today, Meesh said I should reach out to her, but I already had. So I called her. She’s a gem. We talked and her situation is so freaking similar to mine. I told her about what Dr. Zielenski said, and she was like “dude, it took me three years of symptoms until I found that kind of person. Then I started getting better.” Her main issues are ocular and vestibular and before she found the guy she was told by tons of doctors to stop playing it’s not worth it. Then she saw these guys and they made her feel so confident and that she was going to be ok and good to go. She rehabbed and also saw a cranial sacral women!!!! And now she’s back playing. And scored a goal in her first game, the game winner against Seattle. and said that she feels safe and confident. She doesn’t head the ball. Has some headaches and stuff but it’s all manageable.
I truly believe all of this stuff happens when you just open your soul. Let things happen the way they are meant to happen. Not try to control things. So crazy yo haha life als;dfjalsfjd no matter what, it’s just so fucking awesome to know that I feel like I am worthy no matter what and that I’m going to be ok no matter what. Life is magical I tell ya.