63-Becky Sauerbrunn, turning your weaknesses into strengths, having a presence, and believing in aliens

In today’s episode I interview cat lover, sci-fi fantasy aficionado, 2x World Cup champion, Olympic gold medalist, Becky Sauerbrunn. 

Y'all, no two ways about it, Becky is a baller. She is one of the most consistent players in the game of soccer. But, one of my favorite things about Becky is how she just straight up does her. She doesn’t change who she is to fit in. She speaks her opinion, about sometimes difficult topics, And she stands up for others. She is one of those leaders who leads by example and treats everyone with respect. I think that’s why she’s admired so much by all of her teammates. 

Becky was born in St Louis Missouri. She played basketball and volleyball, but always knew soccer was her number one love. 

Becky played at the University of Virginia, then went to the pro level and currently represents the USWNT. 

She has played professionally for the Washington Freedom, magicJack, DC United, Utah Royals FC, Roa IL, FC Kansas City, where she won’t two NWSL championships. She is now a Portland Thorn, which is lovely because Portland is the place she calls home. 

In the NWSL, she has earned the NWSL best 11 every single year and is a 4x defender of the year. 

Becky is a regular call-up for the national team. Like I said, she is a  2x World Cup Champion and an Olympic gold medalist. She captained the team from 2016-2018 and is currently the president of USWNT Players Association. She is huge advocate for equal pay.  

And I just want to reiterate she is a freakin’ good human being. 

In today’s episode, Becky talks about

• how, as an introvert, she has trained her whole life for this quarantine 

• what sets national team players apart from other players (hint: not a lot) 

• dealing with having a huge dream, but so much of it being out of your control

• the story of a youth national team coach telling her she had no speed or presence, and how she turned those “weaknesses” into strengths 

• why she named her cats Missy Elliott and Olive Oil

• owning her nerdiness 

• what it was like when she opened a letter from her idol, Ruth Bader Ginsburg 

• her belief in aliens 

And more!

Listen on iTunes HERE 

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The Functional Neurologist that helped me heal more in 5 days, than I had in the 8 months since my concussion

“Alright here’s the deal, you're pretty fucked up, but I can fix you.” 

Those were the exact words Dr. Zielinski, my functional neurologist, spoke to me as he examined the results of my eye assessment 8 months after my initial concussion. 

Dr. Zielinski is a no bull shit, highly intelligent man, with the voice and facial complexion resembling Gerard Butler’s cousin. In his spare time, Zielinski performs jujitsu and makes wine in his basement. 

Zielinski’s confidence is backed up by his extensive education and research in the functional neurology world. In 2014, he received Neurologist of the Year by the International Association of Functional Neurology and Rehabilitation, the highest award in the Functional Neurology profession.

When Zielinski drops scientific jargon to explain my body’s ailments, I often feel like we hail from different planets. I like it, and have a lot of faith in his planet.

Before seeing Zielinski, I had been rehabbing with various doctors and clinicians for 8 months.   I am incredibly grateful for all those people, as I was improving.  Yet, despite my rigorous efforts, I felt like my progress was like a car stuck in an LA traffic jam. 

I believe injuries (especially brains) take time, but in my heart I knew there was something I could do to heal faster. At this point, I still couldn’t read or write for more than 15 minutes without invoking a headache and feeling disorientated. Car rides made me nauseous. Loud music and bright lights sent an electric shock through my entire body. Short walks drained my energy. 

This specific functional neurology treatment (I tried other ocular and vestibular rehabs) was the first one that significantly improved my symptoms. And it all happened in a week.

During my treatment, my soul was on fire. That week reinstated my faith that I was going to get better. It also made me think about how helpful this modality could be for the countless other people who are searching relentlessly for answers and religiously following doctors orders, to no avail. 

The Initial Assessment

When I first arrived at the Northwest Functional Neurology clinic, I was taken into a room to perform an eye assessment. I sat in a chair and goggles were placed over my eyes. These goggles have a built-in camera that track your eye movement throughout the test. The goggles look like a virtual reality video game, but don’t be fooled. If you’re a concussed individual, this evaluation feels more like a torture chamber than an entertainment center. Once the goggles were fastened, the assessor, turned the lights off, and for the next 30-ish minutes, I was instructed to follow a myriad of green dots and flashing lines that were projected onto the wall in front of me.

After completing this test, I engaged in a few other assessments. My favorite one (if it were opposite day) involved putting on another set of goggles, an assistant grabbing my head, and manually jerking it back and forth while I stared at a dot on the wall. I think I’d rather be squirted in the eye with a water gun filled with cranberry juice. 

By the end of the evaluation, I felt like a drugged zombie. 

Assessment Results

After the assessment, I was placed in a separate room. My results were projected onto a screen with graphs and video footage, only decipherable by people hailing from Dr. Zielinski’s planet.

Here’s my translation of functional neurology in basic human terms:

1. Every eye movement is responsible for a part of the brain

2. If your eyes aren’t tracking things properly, then they send a message to the brain that something is off-kilter

3. The brain does it’s best to re-orient itself, but this freak-out leads to Voldemort-esque symptoms-dizziness, headaches, nausea, fatigue, anxiety, depression etc. 

4.The way to heal the weakened neurological pathways (aka the malfunctioning part of the brian) is to perform specific eye movements that target that area of the brain

5. Performing the specific eye movements strengthens the weakened neurological pathways

6. The neurological pathways begin to function properly, thus the eyes begin to function properly, thus reducing Voldemort-eque symptoms 

From the results, Zielinski deduced that a particular plane and region of my brain was not functioning properly, but that it was all fixable.

One of Zielinski’s most re-assuring insights was that my upward and downward saccades (the speed at which my eyes could jump up and down from one dot to another) were lightening fast. Slower upward and downward saccades are a potential sign of damage to the frontal lobe, and an increased likelihood of CTE. That was a big relief. 

After briefing me on my brain’s fucked-up ness, Zielinski nonchalantly assured me that he could get me at least 70% better in a week. 

Jiggaaa wha!? 

For the past months, I was fighting like a mad woman to get better, and now this dude was telling me he could fix me in a week. Even more mind blowing, was the fact that earlier this day, I had seriously made the decision to give up playing soccer and focus entirely on just getting healthy  (Read that post here: The day I decided to quit soccer and then the Universe told me to not quit soccer). 

I affirmed to Zielinski that my health is way more important to me than playing soccer. I just wanted to be myself again, and returning to play wasn’t worth it if it could cause more damage.

Zielinski assured me that he truly believes I can come back safely if we strengthen my weakened neurological pathways. 

He recommended I come in for an “intensive”-a week straight of all-day therapy. I didn’t think twice. I knew this was what I needed to do. I informed my coach and club, and the next morning I reported to the clinic at 9:00am. 

An Average Day of Therapy 

9am Sign in to clinic

9:15  Stand on a foam pad to check my balance.

9:16 Receive electrical stimulation. A metal mallet drenched in goop is placed onto specific points on my ankle, wrist, face, and tongue. Each point is stimulated until the vein begins to pulse. This stimulation awakens neurological pathways in my brain, making them more receptive to rehabilitation. During this process, I imagined myself as Wonder Woman, activating my superpowers to fight off the villains (aka my post-concussion symptoms)

9:25 Recheck balance on foam pad. I’m more stable with my activated superpowers.

9:30 Stare at a dot at a wall while my PT assistant, Allaina manually my head back and forth at  .256 mph 

9:31 My eye twitches. I have a headache and feel nauseous Allaina stretches my right calf while I perform a figure-eight movement with my left arm

9:32 I think, what the hell is happening? 

9:32:15 I ask what the hell is happening?

9:32:30 Allaina explains, that these stretches and movements balances out certain areas of my brain. My neck tension reduces and headache dwindles. I’m weirded out

9:34  I sit in a chair. Allaina spins the chair to the right as I stare at an iPad with moving black and white vertical stripes. I count the stripes as they pass while Allaina holds a bottle of peppermint essential oil under my nose

9:35 I think, what the hell is happening? 

9:35:15 I ask, what the hell is happening? 

9:35:30 Allaina explains that peppermint stimulates the olfactory system and awakens my brains neurological pathways 

9:37 I perform more circus-like exercises.

9:50 Let my brain cool down for 30-45minutes, and then repeat round of circus-like exercises again.

I performed 5-6 rounds of exercises each day, with rest between sets. 

The goal of each round of therapy was similar to weight lifting:

1. perform each exercise until the onset of fatigue (indicated by head jerking, eyes twitching, neck tensing up, nausea etc.)

2. Rest to allow my body to adapt and reap the benefits of my work

3. Repeat exercises, increasing the stress load as my neurological pathways gets stronger

Since I’m an athlete, my signs of fatigue were more subtle, so we had to be extra cautious. If I pushed my system too hard, then my brain went a little bizurk and symptoms worsened. 

Physically being in the clinic allowed them to monitor me and really work up my fatigue threshold. 

By the end of the week, I graduated to balancing on a skateboard placed atop a cylinder, one foot away away from a massive screen. My task was to tap the blue dots as quickly as I could when they appeared on the screen. Of course, I turned this into a competition, determined to beat my score every time. 

At first, when the dots appeared, I felt like my brain was always a step behind my eyes. When I attempted to tap a dot, I often missed the target. 

Allaina explained that this is a good representation of what my brain was doing in the real world. Every time I try to track a target, my eyes misjudge it,  and send a stress signal to my brain causing headache, neck tension, and nausea. 

Throughout the week, we incorporated different sensory stimulation to help awaken my brain. One of my favorite additions was when they played Trevor Hall music (he’s the best, his song You Can’t Rush Your Healing is heaven for anyone frustrated with their healing progress)  in the background of my exercises. Every single time his music was playing, I performed better. This is one of many reasons I have an affinity for Trevor Hall’s magic.

At the end of the week, they had me perform the baseline tests again. I improved significantly and my reduced symptoms were evidence of my growth. I was now able to tolerate reading, writing, socializing, walking,  and being in cars for a greater period of time without symptoms. 

I thoroughly attribute my first big leap of improvement to Dr. Zielinski. I continue to see him for tune-ups or any time I take a hit.  He’s helped me with BPPV (when an inner ear crystal dislodges and floats into a canal where it’s not supposed to be, causing major disorientation) and with digestion issues (the brain and gut are very connected). One of the coolest things I noticed after seeing him, was the quality of my touch on the ball.  Even if you don’t have significant issues, addressing the connection between your eyes and brain can help with hand/foot-eye coordination. 

After my Intensive week, I still felt this overlying layer of fatigue. Every night I went to bed, my neck, shoulders, and head ached. It felt like my body was caving in on itself and I was restless every night. Something was still off, and I couldn’t figure out the culprit. Until one sleepless night, I stumbled upon a blog, and I instantly knew the next step I needed to take. ….

(Blog post to come on the doctor who helped me discover a huge missing piece in my concussion recovery)

The Day I Decided to Quit Soccer but the Universe Shut me Down (unfiltered journal entry)

(Note: Writing is my release. Whenever I need to vomit out my thoughts, I place my fingers on my computer keys and type away. It’s often times not pretty-warning: heavy swearing- but that’s not the point. It’s simply for me to process. Below is a completely unfiltered journal entry of the day I first decided to let go of soccer, 7 months after my initial concussion, and the very next day, when a neurologist told me he could get me 70% better in a week. It was wild)

Below is the journal entry. You can also listen to the piece in audio form on the podcast here:

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5/17/16 3:43pm

Yesterday after my header progression, my brain wigged out. I felt like I took steps backwards. It was the first time I literally could feel the damage it was doing to my brain. And the question in my head emerged. is this really all worth it? At what cost? At the cost of my brain? My brain is my most valuable asset. It’s literally who I am. It’s what I believe will get me though this injury, yet it’s the very thing I’m trying to heal. I’m voluntarily causing impact to it and it’s truly unknown what will happen if I take another hard hit. Headers aside, a hard tackle can come at any time. And then the repercussions are unknown. Part of me believes that my mind is special. Well, I know it is. I know that it’s a fucking warrior. That it can overcome the seemingly impossible. And that I could push through and find a way to play. But another part of me questions if this is smart? By pushing through am I ignoring my bodies signals? Not entirely, but its clearly telling me that it doesn’t like heading and impact right now. Yet I’m trying to keep going. I truly believe that if you fully believe something to be true, it will be so. But there’s so much that seems to be out of my control in terms of if I will receive another blow. And then what? 

This morning I spoke with Liza, Sam’s mom [my teammate who’s sister is still struggling with severe symptoms 10 years after her initial concussion]. I talked to her on my walk to the stadium for training. She was loaded with info. Super helpful. But every now and then she would come back around and say I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I would strongly, strongly consider never playing soccer again. She framed it in different ways every time. To quit. To retire. To give my brain a rest for good. Each time felt like a blow to my head, but I just let the shots take me.  I had a headache the whole time I was talking to her, but I wanted to gather all my info. At one point I teared up. But pulled myself together without her knowing. Towards the end of the conversation she mentioned stopping playing again. She said that it’s just not worth the risk. She can’t possibly think of any reason it would be worth it. not after seeing her daughter struggle. For four years her daughter couldn’t dress herself. And 10 years later, she still struggles. She wouldn’t wish that on anyone. And this concussion isn’t only affecting me. Concussions affects our loved ones. She hates to see her daughter like that. She told me that she knows I identify so much with soccer, but there’s more to me than soccer. That my worth as Kendall Johnson the person is so much more valuable.  And if I get re-injured, then it’s affecting more than just me. It’s affecting my parents, and my friends.  That hit me good. and was the first time I thought about how it’s not about me.  I hung up right as I arrived on the field and felt this crazy calmness. My body is telling me something. That it doesn’t like how it’s being treated. And I owe it to my body to listen.

I walked into the locker room with a smirk on my face. Like what the fuck is happening, is this real life, am I agreeing with the fact that I should maybe stop playing? This is the first time I’ve ever truly sided towards that and for some reason I feel at ease with it. A lot of me is in denial, but maybe its a sense of relief. I don't know. I then went over to talk to my athletic trainer. She was busy so I walked back with Sinc. I told her I don’t know what to do. She listened and said wow that’s tough. I told her ya I’m not looking for a response, there’s really not a lot to say. I just gotta think about it. We ended on that. Went to our meeting. And then I headed outside and into the clinic for rehab. 

I went into a room, did my exercises and meditating. And then explained to my trainer all my thoughts. At first, she thought I was saying that I felt like I wasn’t being treated safely, but that’s not what I meant at all. I told her this was the first time, I was like “what the fuck am I doing, heading a ball after I just had a TBI.??” [I had to pass a test involving heading a ball form various distances in order to get cleared for full-contact training]. Like am I asking for permanent brain damage? I’m definitely not, but it’s a legitimate possibility. I then explained to my trainer how I just want to do what is best for me and the people around me. I fucking love soccer. I love it. It brings me so much joy but I know it doesn’t define who I am. And that there’s other things in my life that are just as fulfilling but that soccer is the route I have chosen. Ultimately, I believe my purpose is to inspire and positively influence millions. Soccer is my route to do that. It’s a great way to get exposure and to show people that if you relentlessly go after your dreams anything is possible, and that you can still be a humble, compassionate person throughout the whole process. Yet, I realize that there are other routes to fulfill this purpose. For me I’ve always been convinced that my way would be through soccer. That soccer is my path. And that I’m going to get through this. It’s a deep seeded belief that’s hard to crack. But my brain is my most valuable asset. it’s the thing that allows me to be Kendall Johnson and to do what I want to do and think my thoughts and be a fucking awesome person. If I don’t have soccer, I still have Kendall.  If I don’t have my brain (from possibility of unforeseen head injury) I don’t have Kendall. Is it worth it, when I can pursue another route? Is my body telling me that it’s time? Is it more valiant and courageous to listen to my body and change paths even when I feel like I’m so close and want it so badly? To me it’s not seen as giving up. I’ve given so much to this game and will continue to until I stop. But maybe this entire journey was meant to happen to lead me to where I am to right now to realize that there are more important things in life. That I, Kendall Johnson, am fully in agreement that I have value and worth beyond the soccer field. I am fully confident in that. And I think that’s assuring. 

I told my trainer that I don’t want to just stop playing. I’m not trying to quit or make any decisions right now, but I don’t think it’s smart to head the ball, I think it’s not good for my health at this moment in time. And she agreed. She said that this week we could do non-contact training all week but that we have made it to the point where I am on headers in my progression. They have been extra, extra cautious. It was supposed to take a few days to pass my header progression but it has taken 2 weeks so far…I have to keep moving through this progression if I want to keep playing, if I stop, then I’ll have to consider medical disqualification. 

Holy fuck knuggets. Even hearing all of this, I felt at ease. I know that my health is the most important thing and it’s not worth sacrificing. It’s always been my biggest concern, but even moreso i am realizing the potential cost of coming back and procuring a blow just might not be worth it. I’m weirdly still at ease with it right now, but most definitely in some sort of denial. Just waiting for all the tears to flow. But for now I also think I’m feeling a sense of relief.

I kicked balls around with Meesh today. Long balls. It felt great just to be there. To kick around. Be present. And then I biked and talked to Nadia and Meg. I think this situation just forced me to be present so I didn’t get a chance to think about things. Just accept things as they are and let them be. I haven’t made any decisions yet as I’m still mulling over things.

This week I’m really going to take the time to talk to all my sources. Gather all my info and make the decision that’s best for me. I only have one life and I want to live the most rewarding one possible. Still don’t feel like crying. It’s weirding me out. 

5/18/16 11:36am

The tears flowed last night. On the toilet. Taking a poop. Just from letting the situation sink in, not analyzing it, but they naturally arose. There will be more of that I know. But at the root of it all, my soul just feels at peace with it. I feel like it’s thanking me. Saying, thank you for listening to me. My brain has done so much for me and was powering through because I’m a fucking boss, but I feel like I have been neglecting my bodies signals. Thinking that this was all part of the process. But somewhere between those strong headaches and conversation with Liza, I felt a radical shift. A connectedness to myself. That forced me to open up and look at my situation from all angles. 

I am at Fehrenbacher Hof right now and just read a portion of True Refuge by Tara Brach. It talks about the process she calls RAIN. R: Recognize what is happening A: Allow life to be just as it is I: Investigate inner experience with kindness N: Non-identification with the experience. 

Unconsciously I applied this principle yesterday. I processed the fact that I am leaning towards letting soccer go. I allowed myself to feel those feelings. Then investigated the sensations inside, allowed the rest to manifest with non-identification, and at first I felt this sense of ease and relief, as if my soul was saying thank you finally, we can go on and fulfill your potential. It was followed by tears sure, but that’s to be expected. 

This whole time I have been holding onto my belief system, the mental strength in my mind, using that incredible power to overcome and continue on my path. Every once in awhile I’d have these moments where i’d reflect and question where I was at. Like in Australia when I wondered if all of this was worth it? After working out, I established that it was. And was gungho all in. No turning back. That’s just how I have programmed myself. But then coming home, feeling so depleted last week I had another thought. What am I doing? What do i need to do to feel good? I made a shift then to really focus on getting healthy and lay back on the “coming back” and the “fitness”. I didn’t care about that, I was tired of ups and downs and ready to just feel good. Another unpeeled layer. Digging deeper into the reason I am coming back, what I want out of all of this. 

  I left the conversation with my athletic trainer with the determination to not give up but wondering what step to take. After talking with Meesh she advised me that I don’t need to change anything. I don’t need that added stress, just keep going, I am closer than I think. Great advice. And just like that, after a bit of sulking, I recharged myself more motivated than ever to get back to PT and prove all my doubters wrong. 

What’s this thing about proving people wrong? Why do you have to prove to others? By saying that you are proving others wrong, you are saying that your feelings are dictated by others. That they have an influence on your life. That is a blatant sign that we are a lacking self-worth in one form or another. We are perfect just as we are. 

So after that meeting, I took the week to really get healthy. Thinking that was the path that I needed to take to get me back more efficiently. 

I truly feel like all of these revelations and reflections have allowed me to peel back, little by little, what my soul wants. When you have an entrenched belief, it is so hard to let it go. We are legitimately robots, programmed by our environment and thoughts. It’s not easy to undo these deep seated beliefs. Over the years I’ve built myself up to be fucking unstoppable. To truly believe it. That’s pretty awesome. Showing that I can build myself up to be whoever I want to be. But that doesn’t mean it’s in accordance with my truest self. 

For instance, take a terrorist. They believe that they are killing people for a religion or higher purpose…they get these beliefs from their environment. They, with most fibers of their being, believe that that is their purpose, that is what they are meant to do. They surround themselves with like-minded people and create their own affirmations of this purpose, and in return are more and more convinced that violence is the answer.

But that’s not who they truly are. That’s not their purpose. The higher source, the one that is in all of us, the one who made us, would not do that.

I’m feeling incredibly empowered right now. Like the whole world is ahead of me. It all falls aback to our purpose, when we are on that path, things should be flowing, this path I’ve been on, it’s served it’s purpose, I’m fucking unstoppable, haha see I still write that kind of stuff out almost unconsciously. This path has served it’s purpose and guided me to here, and my soul feels fucking free. 

6:21pm

Holy fuck LIFEEEEEEEE. I went to training today with the most calm feeling. I just wanted to enjoy the day whatever it entailed. I juggled with my teammates, did some passing, then watched the team do some drills. I then did a 30 minute low key bike. I got some symptoms on that but was pleased overall. I then went to Kiva with Meesh. Kiva, the owner,  tried the zucchini chips I dehydrated, and so did mana, and meesh, and the guy Jason at Zilienskis. Everyone was  so curious as to what they were it was funny. I like them. Ok so I went to Kiva with Meesh and explained to her all my feelings about soccer. How my soul is telling me it’s time. How it seems happy. I’m not ruling anything out, and am going to gather all the opinions I can and then make my choice, but it just seems right. 

So then I go to Dr. Zilienskis for my functional neurology appointment. [This is a neurologist I’ve seen in the past for my migraines. I scheduled this appointment with him to get another opinion. I explain his modalities in detail in my next post]. I do an hour and a half of testing. Wearing goggles that track my eyes, following dots jumping around on a screen, spinning around in a chair… Stir up the pot. And then we go over my results and he tells me that things aren’t as bad as they look. That the big driver of my symptoms can be fixed. That I’m definitely stirred up but he believes he can fix me and get me back. He asked why I didn’t come in earlier and I should have reached out to him because he knows people in Australia. Good to know. ALWAYS REACH OUT TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE, GATHER OPINIONS AND MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION. K so he then asks me how long I have to get better. I said I literally just yesterday talked with this woman who’s daughter had 10 years of post concussion symptoms and she highly recommended me to stop playing. It’s just not worth the risk. And that I had told my PT this. And she said that we can do non contact this week but once I stop making progress, then I likely have to be medically disqualified. 

He said well shit that’s a tight timeframe. But he said he can get me significantly-he thinks 70%- better in a week. He recommended doing an intensive. Where I am in there all day and get treatment 5 times in one day. He strongly believes it will help me. He says its worth a shot for sure and that he honestly wouldn’t say he thinks I’ll be ok to play if he didn’t think it. If he saw stuff that looked concerning he would tell me. He knows my history, he things I’m good. And explained how Sydney Crosby had a concussion, saw one of the guys he trained for a week and was back scoring 4 goals in the next game. Are you kidding me!! He said that stuff like CTE is not an issue with me. All the areas in my brain involved with that looks good. My cognitive stuff is all fine. Holy fuck. I told him I’m doing it. I don’t care what my schedule is like, I’m in. I want to feel good. But I also know that there is way more to life than soccer and don’t want to risk injuring myself really badly going back to where I was. He told me that he totally understands. And that if he were me that he would feeling the same thing. But he had this really bad mold in his house that made him literally feel like he was going to die. He forgot  his kids names and everything. He never wants to go back there again. but he got back and better and believes I will do the same. I fucking love people like him!!! He tells it to me straight, no bullshit. Even cusses. “That’s the shit we need to fix.”

I then called Kelly Con. She’s the one who I reached out to yesterday, in my state of acceptance that I’m done with soccer. I wanted to get her advice since she’s been through years of concussion shit. Randomly at lunch today, Meesh said I should reach out to her, but I already had. So I called her. She’s a gem. We talked and her situation is so freaking similar to mine. I told her about what Dr. Zielenski said, and she was like “dude, it took me three years of symptoms until I found that kind of person. Then I started getting better.” Her main issues are ocular and vestibular and before she found the guy she was told by tons of doctors to stop playing it’s not worth it. Then she saw these guys and they made her feel so confident and that she was going to be ok and good to go. She rehabbed and also saw a cranial sacral women!!!!  And now she’s back playing.  And scored a goal in her first game, the game winner against Seattle. and said that she feels safe and confident. She doesn’t head the ball. Has some headaches and stuff but it’s all manageable. 

I truly believe all of this stuff happens when you just open your soul. Let things happen the way they are meant to happen. Not try to control things. So crazy yo haha life als;dfjalsfjd  no matter what, it’s just so fucking awesome to know that I feel like I am worthy no matter what and that I’m going to be ok no matter what. Life is magical I tell ya. 

61-Elizabeth Williams, on playing a game with no fans (b/c of COVID-19), the value of education, and her love of jeopardy

In today’s episode I interview WNBA Atlanta Dream player Elizabeth Williams on playing a game with no fans (b/c of COVID-19),  the value of education, and her love of jeopardy.

Elizabeth’s parents were born and raised in Nigeria. After getting married, they moved to England so her dad could enroll in pre-med classes. While there, Elizabeth was born, and shortly after, they moved to the United States. 

Elizabeth started playing basketball because a family friend mentioned that Elizabeth’s tall stature could make the sport a good fit for her. So, Elizabeth joined a team and ended up loving it. Eventually, she found a trainer who turned into a mentor, and got her to believe that she could be really good at this basketball thing. 

Throughout her childhood, her parents, both in the medical field, instilled the importance of education.

Elizabeth decided to go to Duke to challenge herself both off and on the court. While at Duke, she studied pre-med with the intention to become a surgeon. On the court, Elizabeth earned National Freshman of the Year and NCAA Defensive Player of the Year honors She set school records for blocking shots, and was the first duke player to be named AP all American her first two years. 

After college, Elizabeth continued her career into the WNBA. She has earned accolades as WNBA Most Improved Player of the Year and is a 2017 WNBA All-Star. She has played overseas in Turkey, China and Russia, and has represented the US at the U-16-U-19 levels.

Elizabeth was playing overseas in Turkey when the COVID-19 outbreak began, forcing the league to cancel their season.

In our conversation, Elizabeth talks about:

• what it was like playing a game with no fans (because of COVID-19)

• why she watches jeopardy every night

• the time she sat in on an 8 hour spinal surgery

• what it was like being an WNBA all-star

• her passion for education and the importance of getting kids involved in STEM

• the game she blocked 3 shots in one possession 

• how she’s gotten to level 5,000 of Candy Crush

  
  And more!

Enjoy this episode with the highly intelligent, candy-crushing, blocking phenom  Elizabeth Williams 

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Resources

Follow Elizabeth on instagram

Follow Arrow Living on instagram

Be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other magical content HERE 

A list of the 11 books that have had the biggest impact on my life as an athlete HERE

Share the love

If you feel compelled, I would be so very grateful if you took two minutes to leave me a review of the podcast. Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

   Thanks for being here <3

60-Yael Averbuch, on the process of mastery

In today’s podcast, I interview the technical soccer goddess, Yael Averbuch. 

I first knew of Yael from afar, as I watched her YouTube videos that she posted of her dribbling and juggling drills. And I was like ‘damnnnn this girl is a hard ass worker and she’s got silky smooth touches that make me feel things.’ 

We recently got to know each other through a mutual friend and we bonded over the fact that we are both, what I like to call, “semi psycho obsessive human beings.” Or fully psycho, depending on who you’re talking to. People who are obsessive about their dreams are my kind of people. 

If you’re one of those people, I know this episode will resonate. Come join the club. 

Yael won two NCAA college cups with the North Carolina Tarheels. She has won three championships during her pro career with Sky Blue FC, Western New York flash, and FC Kansas City. She’s also played overseas in Russia, Sweden, and Cyprus. 

Yael has played for US at at every level of the youth national teams and represented the full team from 2007 to 2013.

In 2018, Yael was forced to step away from playing due to ulcerative colitis. Despite not currently being on the pitch, she is still heavily involved in the game. She is the executive director of the NWSL Players Association.  She is also the founder of Techne Futbol, a soccer training app that provides personal training for soccer players. I highly recommend checking the app out…like I said her touches make me feel things.

In our conversation, Yael talks about: 

• her addiction to being productive 

• how positive things done in excess, can go to far

• why she enjoys not being good at things 

• her process of mastery 

• the one thing she would do differently, if she could go back and redo her national team career again 

• the intimate details of her battle with ulcerative colitis and what this illness has taught her about herself

And more. 

Enjoy this episode with the insightful, master seeking, tech goddess Yael Averbuch. 

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Resources

Yael's instagram

Techen Futbol's instagram 

1 on 1 Mentoring w/ Kendall Johnson

A list of the 11 books that have had the biggest impact on my life as an athlete HERE

Share the love

If you feel compelled, I would be so very grateful if you took two minutes to leave me a review of the podcast. Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

   Thanks for being here <3

59-Kate Krieger-on getting more money into the hands of women

In today’s episode, I interview Ellevest financial advisor and former pro soccer player Kate Krieger. 

Kate works for Ellevest, a booming start-up investing platform dedicated towards redefining investing for women. Ellevest’s mission is to close the gender investing gap and get more money into the hands of women. 

I like the sound of that.  

And so does Kate.

Kate played pro soccer for Seattle Reign FC, Iceland, Germany, before feeling it was time to move onto something else. She had no idea what that “something else” was. 

It was through connections from her athletic career that she stumbled upon finance. She quickly found this career path to be a great fit for her as an athlete because it’s highly competitive, fast paced, you get to make relationships with people, and there is no ceiling to what you can accomplish.

Speaking of competitive, Kate got married last year and competed in a triathlon a week before her wedding and beat her husband (who is also a very competitive athlete). Girl powaaa.  

That same year, she landed her financial advising position for Ellevest. I highly recommend checking out Ellevest’s insta-they are constantly putting out $$$ resources (insta lives, answering questions, posting articles) to educate women all about money. 

In our conversation Kate talks about:

• why women are afraid to talk about money (there’s a stat that shows we would rather talk about our own deaths and sex than money!) and how we can change that 

• why women need to invest differently than men and how to do it

• tips on how to ask for what you are worth 

• the basics of investing and how you can take steps today to get dat bread 

• books, podcasts, and resources to up your $$$ game 

And more! 

Resources

ollow Ellevest on instagram

Check out Ellevest website 

A list of the 11 books that have had the biggest impact on my life as an athlete HERE

Be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other magical content HERE 

Share the love

If you feel compelled, I would be so very grateful if you took two minutes to leave me a review of the podcast. Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show some love

   Thanks for being here <3

58-Keelin Winters Pattillo, on dealing with pressure, overcoming burn-out, and living in a campervan while playing pro soccer

In this episode, I interview firefighter, former professional soccer player, and farmer Keelin Winters Pattillo. 

Keelin is a force of nature. It appears as though everything she touches turns into a success. I believe Keelin accomplishes whatever she puts her mind to because she’s one the most disciplined people I know. 

Keelin grew up living in a multitude of cities around the US, as her father was a NBA coach and was constantly on the move. Although her 5 siblings chose to dedicate themselves to basketball, the sport wasn’t physical enough for Keelin. So, she chose to play soccer. 

Keelin went on to play at University of Portland, earning West Coast Conference Player of the Year. She won a goal medal in the U-20 World Cup. She was drafted 6th overall in the WPS to the Boston Breakers. She’s played overseas with FFC Turbine Potsdam in Germany and the Western Sydney Wanderers in Australia. She played four years with Seattle Reign FC, winning two NWSL Shields, for finishing 1st in regular season play. She also earned a contract with full US national team. 

On most of those teams, she wore the captains armband, a testament to Keelin’s supreme focus and leadership skills. 

In this episode we talk about:

• why she chose to spend her honeymoon with her wife Paige living in a camper van while playing in Australia

• what it was like having five siblings, a disciplinarian mom, and an NBA-coaching dad

• how she’s in even better shape than when she was playing professionally because of living on a farm

• her decision to get dreadlocks in college and how they helped her find herself 

• the make-you or break-you pressure of US national team camp 

• why she retired even though she was in her prime

• the advice her sports psychologist gave her that helped immensely when she was feeling burnt out 

And more! 

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Resources

Follow Keelin on instagram HERE

Join Friday Feelz HERE

A list of the 11 books that have had the biggest impact on my life as an athlete HERE

Be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other magical content HERE 

Share the love

If you feel compelled, I would be so very grateful if you took two minutes to leave me a review of the podcast. Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

   Thanks for being here <3

57-How to survive the Coronavirus quarantine as an athlete

Yall, if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that “obsessive athlete” and “being told to hunker down” do not belong in the same sentence. Quarantine has the potential to be an athlete’s worst nightmare. But, it doesn’t have to be. There are so many different ways to continue growing physically, emotionally, and mentally during this time. I’m excited to share my insights. 

In this episode I talk about:

• why the advise “be positive!” makes me want to vomit

• how to process the fear of missing out on big games, tournaments, trainings etc.

• helpful questions to ask yourself during this uncertain time

• incredible online resources I’ve found to continue exercising (if you feel called)

• tools I use to determine what my body really needs for me 

And more!

Just so you know, whatever you are feeling is valid as fudgsicles on a hot summer free-to-roam-wherever-you-want kind of day. Sending you lots of love <3

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Resources

Schedule free one on one mentor consultation HERE  

Learn more about my one on one mentor program HERE

56-Britt Eckerstrom-on the power of being uncomfortable and seeking adventure

In today’s episode I interview Portland Thorns goalkeeper Britt Eckerstrom. 

Britt is a really special soul. If you ever meet her, you’ll instantly feel her positive vibes. She is someone who is always down for adventure and incredibly open and accepting of everyone she meets. Britt grew up in Maryland. In high school, she ran cross country and played soccer. She then committed to Penn State. Britt captained the team her senior year and led them to win an NCAA championship-which she considers the greatest accomplishment of her career thus far.  Britt was then drafted to the Western New York Flash, and later traded to the Portland Thorns, where she won an NWSL championship.  She’s also played overseas in Australia with the Newcastle Jets, where she was a nominee for the leagues Player of The year. 

In our convo we talk about:

• why she likes putting herself in uncomfortable situations 

• her newfound competitive ping pong career

• the wild story of how the day before she was leaving for her first professional season, her family house burnt down. She reflects on how she dealt with losing nearly everything she owned

• why spending her off days hiking is one of the best things for her playing career

• what it means to be in a flow state

• the reason she always drives with her windows rolled down, regardless of the weather 

And lots more! 

Enjoy my conversation with the good-vibed, adventuring Britt Eckerstrom.

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Resources

Join Friday Feelz HERE

A list of the 11 books that have had the biggest impact on my life as an athlete HERE

Be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other magical content HERE 

Share the love

If you feel compelled, I would be so very grateful if you took two minutes to leave me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

   Thanks for being here <3

55-Dear Soccer, F*CK YOU, I Love you, Do I Have to let you go?

The Arrow Living Female Athlete Podcast is back!!!

In this episode, I talk about what you can except with the podcast moving forward, what I’ve been up to, and I read the most vulnerable piece I have written about my love-hate relationship with soccer and my decision to step away from it for now. relationship with it. 

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Resources

Read written article HERE

Join Friday Feelz HERE

A list of the 11 books that have had the biggest impact on my life as an athlete HERE

Be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content HERE 

Share the love

If you feel compelled, I would be so very grateful if you took two minutes to leave me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

   Thanks for being here <3
   

My Lifelong World Cup Dream Did Not Come True. Instead, my favorite pair of Wildfang underwear caught on fire.

“How about the US team at the World Cup?” 

As a lifelong, obsessed soccer player, I was asked some version of this question by nearly every breathing being I came into contact with these past few months. 

My answer is two pronged. The first, more user-friendly prong, is my go-to response: 

“It was awesome. So amazing for women’s soccer, women’s sports, women, and just humanity in general.” 

I genuinely meant prong #1 answer. 

But, prong #2 answer, is more flavorful: it starts with me collapsing onto my knees and bawling all alone on my apartment floor. And it ends with my favorite pair of Wildfang underwear catching fire. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

It was July 10th, 2019. Three days after the US beat the Netherlands in the finals. Ever since their victory,  I contracted a particularly potent virus that forced me to uncontrollably scroll the inter-webs for US team content containing celebrations, interviews, highlights, and all things Megan Rapinoe. 

At a glance, this may appear to be a semi-embarrassing thing to admit to, since the women I was stalking were either players I know or players I have competed with.

You aren’t wrong. But, if you caught the same deadly virus, no doubt you’d be right there with me. Your underwear probably would have caught on fire too.

But, I’d like to clarify some technicalities of this word “stalking.”  Afters years of studying and personal experience, I’ve discovered there are different varieties:

There’s “fan girl stalking” where you start with the stalkee’s instagram and are like OMGGGG look at her luscious hair, and her dog I just want to squeeze him, and her home is like a spa, and her overalls are just WOW, ugh she’s so cool, I want to be her. I’m all about fan-girling, but I typically direct these exploits towards musicians. 

Then, there’s “investigative stalking” where you start with the stalkee’s  instagram and are like okay, what’s going on here? who is this?  how do I know her? what is happening? what does she do? and an hour later you have 10 different tabs open forming a collage of this person’s life story. 

My current form of stalking carried a twinge of the latter, but it was different. Different, in fact, than any from of stalking I had ever trial and error-ed before. 

My steadfast stalking was directed towards trying to wrap my head around one impossible, burning question: why for the life of me, wasn’t I playing at that World Cup?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Adults often ask kids “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“An astronaut!”

“A dolphin trainer!”

"A fire fighter”! 

“A chef!”

“The president!” 

This question was too limiting for my six year-old mind.

I never “wanted” to be a World Cup champion. I was going to be a World Cup Champion. I saw it clear as day. 

One of my past mentors, gave me an unforgettable analogy about going after your dreams: when you deliver a letter to the post office, you don’t worry about whether or not it’s going to make it to the recipient. You trust that the postman and all the post office people have it taken care of.  Zero questions asked. 

That’s how you ought to view your goals. Set the goal, and trust 100% that the Universe is going to deliver it to you. 

There are some dreams I’ve had my doubts about it. But, this one… this one, I never questioned. I knew I was going to play on the world stage before I learned how to put Poptarts in a toaster,  play tic tac toe, condition my hair, buckle my seatbelt, and give my brothers wedgies.  

The letter was signed. The envelope was licked, sealed, stamped, placed in the mail, and picked up by my childhood, neighborhood,  postman, Jim. Jim was a great guy. Every time Jim retrieved our family mail, he pulled a treat out of his pocket and fed it to my dog Jake. Jim always had a soft spot in my heart. Until, this World Cup. 

This specific year. This specific World Cup. This specific gold medal. Wrapped around my neck. Celebrating with my teammates. This was my lifelong dream.

I had it all plotted out. Based on my age and the amount of work I would put in each year, I calculated that I would be at my prime for the 2019 World Cup.

But, here I was in my cluttered studio apartment, in my pajamas at 3pm, cemented to my bed, binge-watching YouTube videos of the the US team chugging celebratory beers. 

POSTMAN JIM, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO WITH MY LETTER?

Did I not make my dream clear enough? Did the letter get misplaced? Sent to the wrong recipient? At least, give your girl a heads up,  Jim. I thought we had something special.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

This virus was lethal. I was bedridden, scouring the internet for hours on end. I knew I needed to stop. To do something. Anything. To get me out of this state. 

Finally, I told myself ENOUGH.  I was going to go for a jog and release some energy. I manually pried each of my limbs out of my bed. I threw on some shorts and a t-shirt. I slipped on my shoes, grabbed my iPhone for music, headed towards the door, and just when I thought I was gaining some positive momentum, my knees involuntarily collapsed to the floor and I started bawling. Like, bawlinggggg. It was one of those cries where you are like WTF, are these aggressive seal moans I’m hearing actually coming out of my own mouth?? 

The animal noises were followed by confusion: “Whyyyy!? Whyyy me!? That was supposed to be me! I don’t understand?!” 

I’m not sure who I was asking these questions to, but I didn’t get a response. I just kept weeping. 

You might think this is an embarrassing thing to admit to. Again, you’re not entirely wrong.

But, have you ever had a dream, a big dream? One where all the odds are stacked against you,  yet you still go after it with every fiber of your being? You dedicate your entire life to it. Every life decision you make is with that end goal in mind.

Have you ever thought, what if I give every, every, every thing I have to this dream, and it still doesn’t come true? 

Honestly, I never even allowed myself to truly ponder that question. I just kept going.

Until now. When my dreams were taking place before my own eyes. Without me. 

We hear about the importance of grieving the death of our loved ones. It’s equally as important to grieve the loss of our dreams. When we fully grieve our lost aspirations, we make space for new ones to come in. It’s painful. But, I believe the more pain we feel about something we love, the more evidence we have that we gave it our whole heart. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I laid on the ground for a long while. And came to the confident conclusion that this run was not in the cards today.  But, ya know, a matcha latte sounded like the perfect remedy for my broken heart. 

I sauntered over to my tiny kitchen area. I placed a pot on the stovetop, poured in some oat milk,  and turned the nozzle to heat up the electric burner. I then scurried back to my bed to cope with my pain by, naturally, watching a bit more of the NYC ticker tape parade. 

Approximately 4 minutes later, I smelled something. Oh my matcha must be done. I walked over to my stove, and… holy shit….something was on fire!!! Flames were partying all over that “something”, but I couldn’t decipher what that “something” was. I sprinted over (the most exercise I’d gotten all day) to the scene of the crime and that’s when I saw it: my favorite pair of Wildfang underwear. Scorched to death.

RIP undies

Now, you may be thinking, why the hell does this girl have underwear on her stovetop?

I can explain. I am not a US women’s national team member, and even if I were on a professional team right now, my salary could barely afford the cheapest apartment. In my quaint studio, the washing machine is right next to my tiny kitchen area.  

I had gotten my period that day and bled onto my underwear. So, I sprayed my underwear with stain remover, and was letting it set in before I tossed them into the washing machine. 

Now, you may be thinking that bleeding onto my underwear is a semi-embarrassing thing to admit to and not something that needs to be shared for the entire world to see. And that’s where you are wrong.  If periods grosses you out, I am not sorry. Women bleed. Welcome to human biology 101. 

Anyways, I accidentally turned on the wrong burner, the one that had my underwear on it, and subsequently, not the pot. 

I immediately transformed into firefighter mode. I turned off the burner, grabbed a pair of wooden tongs,  plucked up my blazing underwear, transferred it over to the sink, and doused it with water. 

And that’s when it hit me: Postman Jim just delivered. 

I bursted into laughter.

Here I was sulking, feeling so deeply sorry for myself, grieving a deep inner wound, acting like the world was over, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere,  my fuckin’ underwear lights on fire. 

Adulting is messy.

It doesn’t make sense sometimes. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense a lot of times. And that’s okay. That’s called being human. It’s important for us humans to allow ourselves to be human. And to allow The Postman to be The Postman. Because, The Postman, ultimately, is the one who calls the shots.

He or she or them or whatever you want to call it, is always delivering. We just have to be open to opening the letter. Sometimes, it’s not the letter we want. Or the letter we think we “know” we are destined for. But, the one that brings us to our knees so we can feel what it means to completely surrender. The one that scorches our underwear to see that life doesn’t have to be so damn serious. The one that shows us, within seconds, that it’s okay for life to simultaneously hurt like hell and to laugh about it. 

If we allow ourselves to fully receive the letters, both the tears and the laughter, it will eventually  lead us to where the stuff that didn’t make sense, all of a sudden, makes so much sense.

The Postman always delivers. Thanks Jim. 

The Scariest Question I've Ever Asked Myself: who am I without my sport?

Current Occupation: ___________________________

I’m seeing a new specialist for my concussion recovery and, per standard protocol, I was sent a waiver and history form to fill out before our first appointment. I blankly stared at the “Current Occupation” blank space with more blankness than the blankness of its blank space. 

For six years, I filled in that space with a prideful “professional soccer player.” It was a subtle nod, a “you’re damn right I’m still following my dreams and doing what I love, despite my setbacks and squirrel food salary.” 

Now, for the past 6 months I’ve looked at that space with a mango pit in my stomach (I just googled “stone fruits with the largest pits”and based on my intensive one minute investigation I believe mangoes have the biggest pits. Please correct me if I’m wrong). 

What the hell do I write down? I’m taking this season off. I haven’t played in a true professional game in over two years. I haven’t felt like myself playing at the professional level for over 3 years. I straight up just haven’t felt like myself, period. Filling the space with “professional soccer player" doesn’t feel accurate right now.

I’ve seen a lot different specialists since I’ve stepped away from soccer to focus on healing. Hence I’ve had to fill in a lot of “Current Occupation” blank spaces. Sometimes I fill in the spot with “Lyft driver.” I picked up driving for Lyft after I left the Utah Royals halfway through the season to:

1. amuse myself

2. feel like I’m a contributing member of society 

3. make a little extra dough

4. secretly practice being a therapist. I’ve low-key made it a goal to dive as deep as possible with my passengers during our time together, regardless if (especially if) it’s just a 5 minute drive to Plaid Pantry. Not shockingly, many of my passengers hate their job. They have closeted dreams of dope things like creating a movie theatre that features TV shows.  As their unbeknownst therapist, I always encourage them to make that ish happen (disclaimer: I am not a certified therapist, however my therapy sessions are included with the ride, no additional charge. Tips are appreciated, but not necessary, but like, really appreciated).

Sometimes I put down "soccer coach.” I love individually training determined young girls and boys.  But, that’s just a side gig. 

I plan on writing a book, public speaking, podcasting (consistently) and launching a mentor program for athletes, but I haven’t done any of that yet. 

Writing down “unemployed” makes me feel lazy. And I’m not lazy. 

I vacillate this blank space, the same way I do when someone asks, “what are you up to these days?” 

“Oh ya know, the same ol’, just really trying to focus on healing.”

But, what I’m really thinking is:

you mean what am I NOT up to? You mean what am I NOT up to and what have I NOT been doing for the past three years as I’ve simultaneously attempted to let go and fight for my life to stay afloat as I watch the thing I dedicated my entire life to slip away and I literally feel like I want to die at least twice a week, but not like actually die, just die for like three months so I can shut off the crazy ass thoughts that move at 100mph and filtrate my mind every day and often cloud my ability to to see how fucking blessed I am just to be a living, moving, breathing, being on this beautiful earth, but, like it’s really all good, I know people have it much worse and I’m a privileged, blond, white girl, I think I am just gonna move to a remote island and drink coconut water and eat bananas and float in the ocean for the rest of my life. Thanks for asking. 

I typically go for the more socially acceptable, avoid-my-true-feelings response. 

You know what’s wild? Ever since I was 8 years old, I have had a crystal clear picture of what I wanted to do with my life. You know what’s even more wild? I’ve had the determination, discipline, and good fortune to see actions through and make my dreams come true.  Do you know what’s the most wild? I currently feel like my once crystal clear picture has entirely disintegrated, my dreams are in menopause, and I genuinely have no idea who I am or what the future holds. 

I’m currently receiving therapy because if you haven’t deciphered by now, my mind is a little psycho and I’m totally cool with it (except for when I’m not totally cool with it) because we are all psycho, and if you think you aren’t psycho, then my personal theory is you may just be the psycho-ist of them all. I highly support therapy for everyone. 

But essentially, I believe I’m dealing with what my therapist deems “post-traumatic sports stress.”  I have currently been participating in this really neat modality called brain-spotting.  I’ll be writing about it more when the time is right. I have literally no idea when that “right time” will be because my ability to actually make things happen right now comes and goes like the Portland sun. If you want to learn about post-traumatic sports stress and brain-spotting before I write about it 9 years later,  I recommend the book This is Your Brain on Sports by Alan S. Goldberg and David Grand. They write all about how unresolved emotional sports trauma, and past emotional trauma in general, can affect your physical sports performance and increase your chance of injury. 

It’s strange because my will to take actions towards my dreams right now has been playing hide and seek with me. But, my passion for my dreams is still there. It hasn’t faded an ounce.

There are days when I am 100% certain, without a shadow of doubt, that all of my aspirations are going to come to fruition.

Dreams are sickkkk!!! Anything is possible! My breakthrough is so close! I’m going to take all the lessons I’ve learned over these three years, apply them to my life to make a full comeback and play the best and most enjoyable soccer I have ever played in my entire life!!!!!

I still fully believe this is a feasible option. But, will my life actually turn out this way? I honestly do not know. 

I believe a large reason for my disappearance of discipline is not necessarily from the physical blow of the concussion itself, but rather how this injury has made me question my entire belief system and the way I have gone about living my life. 

I hear people always say “do what you love and you won’t have to work a day of your life! ” But the thing is, I was doing what I loved. I was following my dreams and doing everything possible to make them happen.  And for my entire life, I had been successful at it. 

For the first 20 years, I was riding on cruise control with my “work really, really, really hard” recipe. I’d face a setback, work hard to get through it, and eventually achieve the thing I wanted. I intended to follow this plan until I made the US national team roster and played in a World Cup. 

Soccer has been my greatest protector throughout my most difficult challenges in life. When I got the call my brother was in critical condition at the hospital from a near-death car crash, when my boyfriend whom I  (naively, obvi) thought I was going to spend my life with broke up with me, when I found out my grandma unexpectedly passed away while I was 7,497 miles across the globe in New Zealand…I committed myself to my sport even harder. 

Yet somewhere along my journey, the lines got blurred between my profession and who I am. 

‘Soccer player’ proudly became my main identity.  But, I didn’t just see myself as a soccer player,  I saw myself as a good soccer player, one who works really hard, one who keeps getting physically better every day, one who achieves their dreams. 

A few years before my big concussion, I experienced energy issues, and it felt like the harder I worked, the harder I ran into walls. My illogical rebuttal was to work even harder, which resulted in many more wall crashes. And then the big bang happened (referring my concussion from my head smacking the ground, not the beginning of the world, but actually it kinda was the new beginning of my world). 

Ever since then, doing what I loved physically, emotionally, and mentally felt like I was pushing a flat-tired semi-truck up an ice-covered hill.  My body wasn’t working the way it had been able to work for my whole career. I wasn’t getting the praise I had received my entire life for my athletic endeavors.  I wasn’t able to use soccer as an emotional outlet. I finished last in fitness drills. I was cut from my team. The single thing I had poured my entire life into turned into a slow-motion eyebrow threading session; almost torturously, little by little, plucked away from me. 

Stepping away from my sport was the first time I have ever examined my existence without soccer. It didn’t take long for me to see that I have NO. FUCKING. IDEA. who I am without it. 

When we identify with our sport so deeply, we often subconsciously believe that we need our sport to feel complete. Consequently, this means that we don’t feel like we are enough as we are without it. 

It makes complete sense then, that removing soccer from my life feels like I’m missing a part of myself. It’s as if I’m frantically (but trying to act like I’m totally not frantic) trying to find out where that missing piece went.

In a way, soccer has been a coping mechanism to hide my insecurities. 

I believe a big reason my concussion happened was to force me to stop hiding behind my accomplishments; to stop basing my happiness on if I start in a game or not, if I finish first in fitness testing, or if I play well. 

I am no longer able to cover up my flaws with more drills, more long balls, more sprints, more…anything. 

My athlete cloak has been taken off. I am naked. And when I first looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw.  I felt like a toddler who was learning who I was all over again. But I have committed myself to showing up every single day. Even days when I literally feel like I’m trapped in a heavy load, hot water, extra wash, washing machine cycle, filled with a months worth of my dad’s sweaty workout clothes, somehow I always make it through. And I’m starting to see that the “missing piece” was never actually missing, but simply covered up by false narratives about my worth being tied to factors outside of myself. Step by step (with a lot of assistance from therapists, specialists, and my people ), I am standing a little bit taller on my own two feet. I am looking in the mirror and staring at the core of who I am. Without the awards. Without the notoriety. Without anything or anyone, but me. 

I made this old childhood pic of me my phone screen saver to remind myself who I’m returning to.

If you ask me “what are you up to these days?” my answers will vary on any given day from “(insert some short, generic BS answer that I’m well)” to “I have no idea” to “I’m making my come back bitchezzz.” But, really, none of those answers matter to me.

I am not and will never be defined by my career,  even if I am an out-of-this-world, Lyft driving, therapist, inconsistent-podcasting, mentoring goddess. 

I am enough. Exactly as I am. Right now. In this very instant. I will continue to remind myself of this truth until I feel it in every fiber of my being.  

Until then,  if you need a Lyft ride and/or therapy sesh and/or soccer coaching,  and/or know of any great podcast guests and/or are interested in being mentored by me, don’t hesitate to hit me up. 

Sincerely, 

Kendall, Current Occupation: ______naked_________

Dear Soccer, FUCK YOU, I Love you, Do I Have to Let you go?

Dear Soccer, 

I went shopping for avocados the other day to concoct my new lunch obsession: toast with mashed avocado, sliced cherry tomatoes, chopped basil, aged balsamic, olive oil, and a dash of salt and pepper. The colors, textures, and flavors are like a game-winning goal celebration in my mouth. 

At the store, I intimately groped each avocado to find the perfectly ripe one. I found it and drove home, salivating at the mouth. When it was time to create the masterpiece, I pulled out the cutting board, surgically sliced around the pit,  un-hugged the halves, and the avocado was …brown. It tasted like solidified dirty bath water. 

I immediately thought of you. Because it reminded me of our last two years, eight months, and fourteen days together. 

I have soooo many things I want to say to you.

First and foremost, Fuck You.

Secondly, I love you. Please forgive me. Take me back. I need you. I want you. Do I have to let you go? 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

“Have you ever heard of something called MS?” the doctor inquired. 

“Ya.” I muttered back. 

“Now again, I’m not saying that’s what it is, but when we see that we have to check it off the list.” 

“What could other possibilities be besides that?”

“Lyme disease, hypertension, sometimes diabetes…there’s something going on that’s quite unusual for someone your age…but if we never got this scan, we might never have caught it.”

I just completed an intensive 5 day concussion rehab program at Cognitive Fx in Provo, Utah. The program is intended to balance out the blood flow in certain areas of my brain that got out of whack from my concussion.  I’m in the conference room reviewing my results with the head doctor. My structural scan revealed that I have white matter changes on my brain, that sometimes indicates a demyelinating disorder. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear soccer,

When the doctor was speaking, all I could think of was what this meant for you and me. 

“What would you recommend in terms of playing soccer?” I asked, fearing the answer. 

“I would wait until you know more about what’s going on. The great news is that with a lot of these things like lyme disease, and MS, and hypertension…getting the most blood to your brain is only going to help you. The healthier and more balanced the brain, the better it will deal with some of these other issues.”

I thought only old people developed Multiple Sclerosis.  And even if younger people could contract it, Kendall and MS don’t go together. This wasn’t meant to be my battle. It wasn’t my plan. 

I was meant to represent my country and play in the Olympics and the World Cup. Ya, people don’t know me now, but I don’t care. That’s how all the greats start out. As nobodies.

But, you know who I am. Our game plan. We promised each other. 

At the presuppose of our relationship, we were inseparable. We held hands (mostly feet), danced until the sky’s curtains closed, and then, we climbed under the covers, and dreamt of our future together. We had the wildest aspirations. We weren’t the kind of couple to settle. 

You were my safe place. I could run, compete, and push my body to its limits with girls who also lived to run, compete, and push their body to its limits. Not much else mattered to me. When I was faced with a painful challenge, I didn’t see any other option than to keep moving forward. For you. For me. For us. 

We knew we would encounter obstacles, but we always two foot slide tackled them. Get cut from a team…two foot slide tackle. Tear my ACL…two foot slide tackle. Hospitalized for a week in a foreign country…two foot slide tackle. Until we were back in the game. 

We were promiscuous, secretly escaping to racquetball courts, abandoned side allies, and recreational baseball fields. We put in the work. And then we got rewarded. It’s how I helped my high school team win its first ever state championship, how I got recruited to my dream college, played in a U20 World Cup, and was drafted to the pros. 

You + Me + Work Harder Than Everybody Else= Get $$$ (not actual money, because it’s women’s soccer, and we get paid diddly squat).

What happened to us? When did our system stop working? 

I think October 16th, 2015 was our tipping point. 

It was gradual and sudden all at once. 

Sudden, in the sense that I was instantly bed-ridden. The concussion was gnarly. For months, I couldn’t ride in cars, read, walk in crowded places, listen to music, let alone play soccer. 

But even then, I had no doubt I was going to get back to you. 

For the first year and a half, my comeback was clear as Crater Lake. It wasn’t a matter of can I??, it was simply when? I knew we were going to reunite.  Each setback would make the return that much sweeter. We were going connect on a deeper level. One that could only be experienced by those who’ve gone through the ringer. I was going to play the best ball of my life, and inspire others who were struggling in the dark. 

I feel like there are two distinct “Me”s: Kendall-before-her-concussion and Kendall-after. 

Pre-concussion Kendall was narrow-minded. I think you have to be with such ambitious goals. It was you and me until the end of time.  Post-concussion Kendall, felt like someone silly stringed my body with so many challenges that I didn’t have a choice to change, unless I wanted to be miserably trapped in neon green netting for the rest of my career. 

The physical symptoms were difficult enough, but then I got depressed. Wow. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so low.

Depression is very different for everyone. For me, I knew something was off and was desperate to get out of it. But it was like a vampire broke into my soul and sucked out any ounce of motivation. I felt trapped in between a myriad of polar opposites. 

I wanted to make magic happen in the world, and yet I felt this force field around me (like the girl’s from The Incredibles’ superpower) that prevented me from making any forward movement.

I wanted someone to hold my hand and walk me out of this emptiness, but I had an even stronger desire to get into my car and drive and drive and drive until I found an isolated cave in the depths of the forest for hibernation. 

I was sad, confused, lonely. Intensely uncomfortable. The scariest was when I started feeling nothing at all.

During my lowest low, I wanted to resort to you. For you to be there for me, like you had been the past 20 years of my life. But you weren’t. Or couldn’t. 

Fuck you, for that. I needed you.

I was mad at you. Really mad. Why couldn’t you just accept me for who I was? 

When I got released from the Portland Thorns, I was upset, but felt it was exactly what we needed. To say goodbye to our past, and welcome a fresh start.

I decided to move to Utah to tryout for the new NWSL team. For the first couple months, we were jiving. Things were hot and heavy. It felt easy. That fairytale kind of love. 

But it was naive of me to think that a location change could fix all of our problems. My symptoms crept back up. Even at my best, it was always mind over matter.

Nearly every training session, my eyes were more glazed over than a Krispie Creme donut fresh out of the oven. Energy-wise, it felt like I had eaten one-hundred of them. Exercise took 10 times more effort than it used to. 

My whole life, training was about improving our relationship. How can we be our best? Ever since my concussion, it felt more like survival.

I am an all-in kind of person. 100%. I never bought into that “110% work effort” bull crap.  That’s not physically possible.  When it comes to the things I love, I’m not a half-asser. 

I pride myself on controlling the controllables. I was always one of the fittest people on my team. It was part of my success formula: You + Me + Work Harder Than Everybody Else = Get $$$. 

Now, whenever I toed the line for sprints with my teammates, I finished in last.

I used to always do extra ball work before or after training. Now, I was too emotionally and physically drained to put in extra time. 

Playing wise, I hung on. I don’t think I was at the level for onlookers to be like “ohhh that girl sucks, she doesn’t belong here,” but I fell way short of my standard. I constantly compared myself to pre-concussion Kendall.

That’s often the hardest thing for people to understand. From the outside, I look fine. I’m able to live a normal life, even train at the most elite level. But I’m constantly living with this feeling that something is off. Like I’m sinking in quicksand while everyone else appears to be walking on water. I try so hard to hide the feeling though, because I yearn to be Bruce Almighty.

Dear soccer,

You really did me dirty. 

Sometimes I felt like you found great joy in taunting me. I entered the league starting every game, incredibly optimistic about my future. Over the past 6 years of my career, almost systematically,  I slid back to a “practice player.” 

You full on chucked my ego into flaming barbecue coals. You made me question my worth as a human. You used to be the thing that let me forget about my worries. Now, you are the thing that reminds me who I am not.

____________________________________________________________________________________

When I signed up for my intensive week of concussion rehab at Cognitive Fx. I felt this was going to be the thing that set me free. I think it was, but not in the way I anticipated. 

After the doctor informed me of the white matter on my brain scan, she left to give me time to process the news. I hyperventilated-ly cried for a few minutes. I was crushed and confused. Yet, in the midst of my meltdown, I felt something shift deep inside of me.

This entire recovery journey my mind has taken the driver’s seat, and my body, slammed in the trunk. Whenever I thought about throwing in the towel, my mind piped up: you’ve got this Kendall! You are so much closer than you think. How amazing is it going to be when you step on the field and feel like yourself? All this suffering will be worth it.

But this current feeling was so subtle, yet so distinct-too powerful to be coming from my mind. It was that inner-knowing that unexpectedly shows up to guide us in inexplicable ways. The one that makes no sense to you or me or anyone else, until one day it does. And it implored me to get out of my head.  

In that moment. I asked my body “body, what do you want?” 

Without hesitation, I heard ”Please. Please. Please,  give me a break.”

When you’re a lifelong athlete who’s sole love is your sport, life can get skewed pretty easily. Your sport isn’t just something you do, it is a part of your identity. It’s your most intimate relationship. 

Letting it go, feels like betrayal. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear soccer, 

I said I hate you. You know that’s not true.

How could it it be?  You made me feel things I haven’t felt with anyone else ever before. You introduced me to lifelong friends. You took me to places I never knew I’d venture to: Guatemala, Spain, Germany, Peru, Australia (hot damn, I love you Australia) and several others.  You allowed me to access parts of myself I didn’t know existed. You taught me (I’m still learning) that I am so much more than you and everything else external. 

I truly feel like I’ve given you every part of me. I put you before school, family, and my wellbeing. 

But something isn’t working. I wish it were. I’ve tried and tried and tried to get back to the way we used to be. I can’t ignore my body any longer. It’s exhausted.

The Universe is clearly trying to speak to me and I think it’s pretty selfish to keep plowing through. 

It doesn’t make sense to me because I want you so badly. But this sensation is beyond logic. 

I needed a permission slip, this brain scan raising concern, to step away. I’m too driven and stubborn (and mostly afraid) to walk away from the game on my own.

They say losing your first love stings the most. Isn’t that the truth.  I dream about you. More than I ever have. Almost every night. Sometimes nightmares, other times glimpses of hope. I’m not sure what it means. But I’m tired of trying to figure it all out. 

I need to breath. To let you go. So you can do you. And I can do me.

 I don’t know if this is the end for us. It’s scary as shit. A little bit exciting. I feel both confident and lost. Confidently lost. 

 I sincerely hope our paths will cross again. If not, that’s okay too. What’s meant to be, will be.    

Just please know, you are the ripest avocado I’ve ever known. 

I’ll always love you,

Kendall 

Want a Crash Course on Overcoming Fear of Failure and How to Let Go? Procure A Severe Concussion (but, actually please don’t. Like really, don’t. It’s not worth it, I promise)

You know those drivers who drive 15 mph slower than speed the limit? The ones that never in their entire lives have been pulled over for speeding, but surely have accumulated a stack of “Too Slow” tickets, guilty for excessively, low-balling the speed limit.When I returned back to the states from Australia, my concussion healing progress felt as if I was a backseat passenger to one of those drivers. At the rate my car was moving, I was confident I could jump out the window unscathed, and crawl to our destination before it arrived.Except in this vehicle, the buckle was super glued into the lock. Escaping wasn’t an option. I was trapped, forced to twiddle my thumbs as I watched butterflies buzz by my window at 5 times the speed.

My First Physical Therapy Appointment 

The day after I landed in Portland, I showed up to my first physical therapy appointment eager to make gains.I’m a habitual goal-setter, and I collaborated with my athletic trainer to devise a rehab plan, involving working with her, a neck specialist, occupational therapist, and cranial sacral therapist. We set a very conservative 6 week “return to play” date. Due to all of the hiccups in Australia, I was advised to take a more cautious rehab approach.I reluctantly agreed. I was learning that pushing harder is not conducive to concussion recovery.Plus, I calculated that even in abiding by this sloth-y 6 week timeline, I would be recovered right in time for pre-season.After creating the plan, I dove headfirst into therapy.I met with the occupational therapist and performed a series of eye exercises. One of them involved standing in front of a ball covered in the alphabet, hanging by a string from the ceiling. My ocular therapist swung the contraption from left to right, and I attempted to read the letters aloud. As the ball tottered to the right, I shot my eyes over to follow it. Instantly, nausea and light headedness engulfed my brain, as if it were a seashell amongst a tidal wave.We stopped. I composed myself. Then we attempted again, but with the ball swinging at a more condensed, slower speed. At this pace, I was able to tolerate reading the letters with minor eye strain. After finishing this session, my body felt as if I had ran a marathon backwards, while simultaneously solving the world’s largest Rubix cube.I turned off the room’s lights, rested for few minutes to reboot, and then headed upstairs to finish my rehab with some physical exercise.My trainer told me my workout for the day was a 10 minute bike ride at a heart rate between 120–130 beats per minute.For the love of gobstoppers, are you for real? Someone please inform me how this is going to get me back in 6 weeks?? I need my fitness! I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that this qualified as a workout.I begged to do more, but my trainer explained to me that the whole idea with all my rehab-eyes, neck, physical exercise etc.- was to tax my system just enough to build up my threshold. If I pushed too much, then my body would transform into a comatose zombie.If I made it through the day without symptoms afterwards, then I could move up to a 15 minute ride the next day.Although I had already experienced multiple setbacks from going too hard too soon,  I constantly had to work on un-programing my lifelong belief that pushing through pain made me stronger.I biked for 10 minutes, staring at my heart rate reading the entire time to ensure that it remained exactly at 130 bpm. (if 130 bpm was the absolute highest I could exert myself, then I sure as hell was going to get the most out of it).I hibernated in bed the rest of the day. That evening my nausea resurfaced and the pressure in my head increased. It felt as if I was wearing sunglasses 10 times too tight. The entire night, I restlessly tossed and turned under my covers. 

The First of One-hundred Plus Setbacks  

I woke up discouraged that my first day of therapy-a mere bout of eye exercises and a 10 minute bike ride-sent my body into a downward spiral.But, I wasn’t going to let one day bring me down. I plugged in my headphones, listened to Rihanna’s “This Girl is on Fire,” stared myself down in the mirror and yelled at the top of my lungs “You are fucking UNSTOPPABLE!!!! Today’s a new day Kendall. It’s time to go slay that 10 minute bike ride and get through the day symptom-free like the badass boss that you are.”Despite the pep-talk, my headache, nausea, and disorientation returned that afternoon.This pattern reoccured the next day. And the next day. And the next.After 4 days, I graduated from a 10 minute bike ride to 15 minutes.Six weeks later, our first pre-season game was here. I was nowhere near where I anticipated to be. I instantly set a new date to return. Okay, I’ll be back by our first exhibition game, no doubt. The exhibition game arrived. If my progress were a game of Sorry, I had moved my pawn one space forward. Okay, then I’ll be back by our home opener, no doubt.” The home-opener rolled around, and my pawn was in the same spot.  Fifty plus times, I set my target date, and missed the mark.I felt trapped in a continuous loop:

1. Do rehab and workout

2. Feel amped on life, and 100% confident that I’m going to be back playing soon

3. Plead to my trainer to do more

4. Trainer explains to me that I need to see how this afternoon goes before I increase my load

5. Afternoon comes around, my symptoms sneak back

6. Get discouraged

7. Give myself a pep talk

8. Try again the next day

9. Repeat steps 1-8 for 6 months

It seemed like no matter how much I did my exercises my fatigue, nausea, and headaches persisted. And I was over it; tired of shaking my own cheerleader pom poms. I just wanted to feel normal again, or at least make some significant progress. 

Scaling Back My Days 

The next day, I showed up to my daily rehab session with my head throbbing and mind feeling like a fogged up a car window with a broken defroster.  I sat down with my trainer and swallowed back tears as I expressed my frustration of my progress.She consoled me then asked what I do in a typical day, aside from therapy.“I’m not doing that much, I’m doing wayyyy less than what I used to do.”She had me list off a typical day.“I get up, do a few push-ups and planks, read a tiny bit, then stretch. I rehab and workout at my PT place, then go to a coffee shop, write,  listen to a podcast. I then go on a little walk, cook dinner, visualize, lay in bed…”She stopped me in my tracks before I could finish.She explained that I have experienced a brain injury. This is a big deal.  Similarly,  as I have to build my tolerance with physical activity, I have to build my tolerance with everyday tasks as well. I essentially have to to relearn how to live in this world. If I exceed my threshold, then I’ll be set back more days.I hated this idea of doing less than “the less” that I was already doing, but I was willing to do anything to heal.We composed a sample day to “pace myself”:-I could only write or read for 20 minutes a day, not both-I could go to a coffee shop for an hour, not two-I needed to limit my driving, hanging out with people, walking, and all other things that drained me-Instead of doing my push-ups and planks, stretching would be more beneficial-After I do these activities, rest is crucial so I don’t over-stimulate my brain-All of my activities must be done in doses, until I build up my threshold, then I can add more. 

Setting Goals Can Be A Slippery Slope 

As a competitive athlete my entire live, I have always thrived on doing more than my opponents. Up until this point, my body had allowed me to push it to its limits.If I experienced any sort of setback, I put my nose down and grinded back into alignment with my dreams.My concussion was the first time that taking this approach didn’t work.It’s a wildly foreign concept to not feel in control of my body and equally as strange to be told to do less.After my talk with my trainer, I drastically cut back on ordinary tasks and reduced my schedule to the bare bones basics.  Slowly, this made a difference. I was able to get through my therapy and experience fewer symptoms throughout the day, but the biggest shift came from my overall sense of peace.I’m a massive fan of goals of all the variety (the soccer ones and the setting ones). But sometimes we cling to our goals so tightly, that we morph into them. It’s almost as if we feel we ARE the goal. And we become unsettled if we haven’t achieved them yet.I’ve always played from this place of wanting more, more, and more. Nothing is ever enough for me. In the past months, I got a crash course on failure. I set targets and missed them again and again and again, which followed by getting discouraged again and again and again. Until I realized that if I continued this pattern, I’d soon be drowning in a lake of my own tears and self-doubt.

I’m all for seeking improvement, but when we subconsciously base our worth off of being somewhere we are not, it’s literally impossible to feel at ease. We begin to walk around with this nagging feeling that something is missing.

Once my sole focus was no longer about getting in physical shape by a certain time, I was able to let go of my expectations of where I thought I needed to be. Instead, I met myself where I was at, and it was incredibly freeing.

“Letting go” has been my most consistent (and difficult) theme and has led to my most efficient progress throughout my recovery.  I constantly have to remind myself that setting goals and letting them go are not mutually exclusive. They actually compliment one another:  Set the goal, let it go, give all my energy to the present moment, and trust that I’ll end up where I am meant to end up. Because let’s be honest, if I am going to be stuck in the back of a 2mph moving vehicle, I might as well get cozy, and roll down the window and take in the views I experience along the way. If we open our eyes to what’s in front of us, the process really is a beautiful thing.

The Tackle that gave me 3 years of Debilitating Concussion Symptoms (why we need to redefine what it means to be tough in sports)

Scrambled eggs with pickles drenched in Tobasco sauce, coffee, half and half, 10 packets of sugar, and a spoonful of salt and pepper. 

“I bet you won’t eat that!”  My friend chuckled, as she shoved the bowl of mushed up post-brunch leftovers onto my placemat. 

Growing up, I was surrounded by mischievous, hyper-active kids eager to turn anything and everything into a “who’s the toughest?” competition.

Who could eat the most repulsive leftover restaurant food creation? Who could submerse themselves naked in the 30 degree river the longest? Who could smack a ping pong ball against each other’s bare backs and produce the biggest welt?

I attacked such dares with the hesitation of an adult asked to tie their own shoes; easy peasy.    

One of my favorite games involved holding hands with an opponent. On my turn, I used my free hand to slap my competitor’s forehand as hard as my adolescent fingers could possibly slap. My opponent would then return the favor. 

The point of the game was simple; who could endure the pain the longest. 

I always won. Ask my brothers, and they will say I’m lying, but that’s their competitiveness talking. They craved victory, but not as much as I did.  

I wanted to be the best, the strongest.  And in most of our made-up games, showing emotions and revealing pain? That’s a sign of weakness.

And I am not weak.  

This “rub some dirt in it” mentality was further etched into my personal hard drive through sports teams. I witnessed teammates sit out because of a rolled ankle, a kick to the thigh, a stomach ache… 

To me, scrapes and bruises symbolize resilience. 

And I am resilient. 

The higher the athletic level, the more the fragile ones are weeded out. By the professional level, only the strongest remain. I am surrounded by the toughest cream of the crop; the reigning champions of their own trivial childhood hand-slapping games. 

Every injury I endure, I am determined to be tough and overcome it as quickly as possible.

When I got my concussion, I tackled the injury with the same mentality. 

In the following months of recovery, a series of events, one by one, gradually piled up, until one day I hit a tipping point, and experienced a brutal awakening that my preconceived definition of toughness was fatally flawed.

I stumbled upon a new level of bravery. One that few experience firsthand, but deserves, and needs, attention. 

I am telling my story in hopes that it will encourage individuals to discover this toughness and harness it to intentionally stand up for the well-being of themselves and their teammates. 

My Story

After I was diagnosed with a concussion (My whiplash heat stroke FIFA ’94 Concussion),  I was told to rest for a week. I set out to be the best rester that ever rested.

Six weeks of resting later, I progressed at a dehydrated snail’s pace. I was not where I wanted to be.

I was over laying around. I wanted to get back on the pitch. I wondered why I was still feeling this way, and looked back at the footage of the initial tackle from my first game. 

We often reflect on our past and wonder, why on earth did I do that? In my case, why did I keep playing?  If I would have known that this tackle would give me debilitating symptoms for three years, of course I would have subbed myself out.

But I didn’t know. The referee issued my opponent a yellow card, but the team physiotherapist never came onto the field to assess me, so I thought the tackle couldn’t have been that bad. I felt out of it, but it always takes a few strides to collect oneself after a collision. I did what I have programmed myself to do and played on.

Once I watched this footage, I decided to take matters into my own hands and sought out a vestibular physiotherapist. This physiotherapist performed some manual tests, and concluded that I was dealing with vestibular migraines and no longer had a concussion. My brain was fine. He then referred me to a highly touted migraine specialist who confirmed his analysis: my concussion was in the past, these were just migraine symptoms. I was safe to play soccer. 

I was pleased with this news. The specialist gave me some medication to take when I experienced nausea and headaches. She believed my symptoms would clear up rapidly. I took the pills and performed the vestibular therapist’s prescribed rehab exercises. 

I felt better and ramped up my physical activity quickly. 

After just one week, I passed the team’s return-to-play protocol of jogging and heading a few balls. I trained in three sessions, with only mild nausea from change of direction.

I was cleared for my first game back!

I spoke with the team doctor and physiotherapist and, since I was out for eight weeks, the plan was for me to play 30 minutes to ease myself back into the strenuous demands of a game situation.

Game time arrived, the whistle blew, and I was in my zone. As the scoreboard ticked, my body increasingly fatigued. By the thirtieth minute, I glanced over to the sideline to see who was subbing me out. Nobody was even warming-up. 

I anticipated that I would be kept on the field a bit longer than 30 minutes. 

Typically, coaches share athletes’ drive to win. Externally, I looked fine and functioning, so what was the harm of playing an extra 5, 10, 15 minutes? 

The halftime whistle blew. With the break, I figured I could recharge and contribute 10 more minutes. 

Ten minutes passed, and my emotional and physical energy tanks were entirely depleted. At one point, the opposing team attacked towards our penalty box. My mark was at the far post. I knew it was my responsibility to track back and guard her. But my body and mind were checked out. Instead, I stood at the halfway line and watched as my mark easily tapped the ball into the goal. 

Any other game, I would curse at myself for my lack of effort. In my current hollow state, all that filled my mind was how badly I wanted the game to end.

The final whistle blew, and rather than shaking hands with my opponents, I bee-lined straight to the bathroom stall, and broke down in tears. 

I was mad at myself for feeling so deflated. I questioned if I should have subbed myself out, but I rationalized my decision to stay quiet: Why would I sub myself out if I was just tired?

A few days later, my nausea, headaches, exhaustion, and dizziness reemerged. 

I explained my frustrations to my teammate and friend, Keelin. Why didn’t my coach or physiotherapist take me out? 

As an honest friend who’s experienced her own lack of proper treatment, Keelin told me something that has stuck with me since: 

 “You have to speak up. You can’t expect other people to, you have to look out for yourself.” 

She was right. Despite how badly I wanted to be “tough”, I had to swallow my pride. I had to be my own advocate. 

I spoke with the team doctor and he was surprised I played the full game. He wasn’t sure where the miscommunication occurred. He prescribed me an even stronger migraine medication.

The rest of the week, I didn’t train. I stayed at home, avoided car rides (which induced intense nausea), and rested. 

I was standing up for myself. 

A week later, we had our most important game of the season. Playoff implications were on the line.  A night before our game, I messaged our coach telling him I was feeling a bit better, but would have to see how I felt after the long bus ride up to the game. I made it clear that if he wanted to start someone else, then he should. 

On the way to the game, our physiotherapist encouraged me “you got this, be tough.” 

In our warm-up, I felt a little off and fatigued, but I didn’t know if that was a result of the long bus ride or if it was concussion related. 

I performed a few quick change of directions sprints. I felt mildly nauseous, but, not terrible. The symptoms were just enough for me to question if I was being over-dramatic. 

The migraine specialist said my brain is fine, that it’s just a migraine. I can play through this then, right? 

I knew I COULD play through the pain, but that method didn’t bode well for me last time. It wasn’t worth feeling crappy for another 6 weeks. 

I decided to compromise. After prematurely playing a full 90 minutes, I believed I could safely experiment with 20 minutes. I informed my coach that if he wanted to start me, I would play 20 minutes maximum. 

I started. 

Twenty minutes passed. I felt off. 

I didn’t get subbed out, but I knew that we had a water break at the 22nd minute mark because of the high temperatures. 

During the break, I locked eyes with our trainer, drew a horizontal line with my hand across my throat and muttered “I’m done.” 

Our physiotherapist smirked at me and responded, “you didn’t even do anything.” 

I’m not sure if she was referring to my contribution to the team or that I didn’t get caught up in a tackle, but a ravenous lion roared inside me. 

I stared sternly into her eyes, “I don’t fucking feel good.” 

I walked off and sat on the bench. 

The following week I changed my flight and flew back to Portland to seek proper treatment. 

I tell this story not to point fingers. I do strongly believe we need to raise the standards for concussion prevention and management. But, I take full responsibility for putting myself in each situation. For playing more than I should have, for not speaking up earlier when I didn’t feel right.  

However, I don’t blame myself either. “Toughing it out” is embedded in sports culture. It’s the dogma we, competitive athletes, have fed ourselves our whole career.

I attribute a large amount of my athletic success to this steadfast determination. 

But sometimes life hits you with circumstances far too great for this modality. Sometimes, the harder we try to “tough it out”, the further we’re pushed away from our desired result. 

Concussions require an even deeper kind of bravery.

One in which you understand there will be coaches who want to speed up your recovery, teammates who can’t comprehend why you aren’t playing, specialists who offer expertise in their own respective fields. 

It’s important to respect these people’s opinions and intentions, but know this: 

there is only one YOU in this entire world. Therefore, YOU are the only master of YOU.

No one else knows you better than you. No one can see when you are feeling mentally clouded,  nauseous, anxious, or just not yourself. 

This is when you have the opportunity to rise to next-level toughness and be your own advocate. 

One of the bravest things I have ever done, was to speak up and take myself out of the game. It took multiple failed attempts before I found my voice. I had to learn the hard way (18 months of debilitating symptoms and diligent recovery), that no game or situation is worth jeopardizing my well-being.

Hopefully in speaking up, I will prevent someone from taking the long road. 

You have a chance to change the narrative of what it means to be strong in sports. 

There’s a time and a place to fight through pain. But when it comes to your brain and health, it’s simply not worth it. 

When you stand up for yourself and your teammates, when you listen to your body, when you sit out despite the immense peer pressure to play on, you are not weak. You are resilient. You are an entirely different breed of tough.

And I’d challenge you to a hand-slapping contest any day. 

54-Sarah Hauser-on riding deathly waves, living your dream life, and the magic of the ocean

In today’s episode I interview professional windsurfer Sarah Hauser.

Sarah grew up in New Caledonia, a French Island, east of Australia and North of New Zealand. with a population of 300,000 people, She started

windsurfing at 13, and knew that no matter what she had to do it as much as possible.

When Sarah was 18 she went to France for 5 years to earn her masters degree in computer science.

At 23, Sarah was now able to work for big companies, but nothing excited her as much as windsurfing. She decided to fly to Maui alone and enter a windsurfing competition. Sarah had not competed in 5 years, but she ended up getting 5th place and caught the attention of sponsors. Over the next couple years, Sarah gradually took extended trips to Hawaii. She competed in more competitions, met her future husband, and eventually made officially moved to Hawaii to pursue her dream.

Since turning pro in 2015, Sarah is a 2x International Windsurfing Tour Champion, and 3x Windsurfer of the Year.

In our conversation Sarah talks about

-the high altitude training she does on the top of 10,000 ft high volcanoes

-her strategy for when she gets washing-machined by a wave

-what compels her to ride waves that are big enough to kill her

-why she believes people connect so strongly with the ocean

-the multiple jobs she works on the island to fund her athletic career

-her tip for people overcoming their fear of getting pounded by the ocean

-the Bob Marley song she sings when she needs to calm her nerves on the waves

And more.

Enjoy my conversation with the fearless, dream-chasing, Sarah Hauser.

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Shownotes

:55    Who is Sarah Hauser?

3:00 Girl on Wave Documentary

3:49 Email your comments to  arrowliving1@gmail.com

4:15 New Caledonia Sarah’s French Hometown

7:58 What sports did Sarah play as a youth?

9:17 Was Sarah inspired by any women windsurfers?

12:26 How did she manage school and training?

14:10 What does Sarah feel like when she rides a wave?

16:06 Why does Sarah think the ocean is such a magical place?

17:46 Does Sarah get frustrated when she has to wait for waves?

18:45 How does she plan for training with the tides, weather etc.

21:40 What cross training does Sarah do and what does a training session entail?

24:20 What strategy does Sarah use when she under water?

26:11 What longest she’s been stuck under water?

30:02 Meditation?   Calm app

30:50 What compelled Sarah to move to Hawaii to windsurf?

34:07 What mindset did she have to follow her dream?

36:27 How did Sarah first start making money in Hawaii?

39:26 Does she enjoy her side job of yoga and personal training?  Hauser Lifestyle

42:24 Does Sarah have a coach?

45:21 Does Sarah train solo or in a group?

48:00 Is the windsurfing community competitive or supportive?

50:09 How does Sarah deal with bad conditions during a competition?

53:49 Sarah’s ride on Jaws

55:21 What inspired Sarah to ride the big wave and how did it go?

59:42 What goes thru her mind right before catching a wave?

1:00:14 What does she do to calm herself?

1:01:59 Why is it worth the risk to windsurf?

1:03:57 What Sarah’s first thought this morning?

1:04:23 Sarah’s am routine

1:05:38 What is the biggest misconception that people have about Sarah?

1:06:39 Favorite comedy or TV show

1:07:20 What is the worst advice she’s ever been given?

1:09:17 What is her favorite failure?

1:10:37 Sarah’s crazy habit or belief

1:12:30 What is a simple tip for female athletes?

Resources

Follow Sarah Hauser: 

On Instagram:

@hauserlifestyle

On Facebook:

www.facebook.com/sarahnc6/

On Twitter:

@SarahNC6

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

Click HERE  to be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content

Share the love

If you haven’t already, I would be so very grateful if you rated and left me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

53-Meghan Klingenberg-on how to stay confident through the ups and downs, Daring Greatly, and playing hooky

In today’s episode, I interview World Cup Champion, US national soccer team member, Portland Thorns FC defender,  Meghan Klingenberg.

When Meghan was thirteen years old, her mom pulled her out of middle school. The two of them road tripped to University of North Carolina to see the women’s soccer team play for the first time. After that game, Meghan began writing letters to the head coach Anson Dorrance, expressing her interest in playing for his team.

Her dreams of becoming a Tarheel came true, and her career accelerated from there. After college, Meghan was drafted to the Women’s Professional Soccer league. She received her first call up to the full national team in 2011 and became a mainstay from then on out. In 2012, she just missed out on the Olympics roster, and went to London as an alternate. This experience created a huge paradigm shift for Meghan. She knew that if she wanted to be on the team, then she had to be different than everyone else. So she opted to head overseas to Sweden and play with some of the best players in the world.

Meghan unconventional path paid-off, and in 2015, she started every match in the World Cup, and helped the team win gold.

She currently plays for the Portland Thorns, who won the NWSL championships last season

In our conversation, Meghan talks about

-her insanely competitive family, and how a Disney Trivia game night turned into family members shunning each other for days

-her involvement with the USWNT Players Association and standing up for equal pay

-how she deals with the pressure of US national team camps

-the value she has found in seeing a therapist

-her approach for dealing with haters on social media

-how she became Edie’s (Portland Thorns head coach, Mark Parson’s daughter) special friend

And the Arrow Living Book Club that’s going down soon. If you want to join,  SIGN UP HERE .

Enjoy my conversation with the lively, confident Meghan Klingenberg.

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Shownotes

:50 Who is Meghan Klingenberg?

3:00 Arrowliving upcoming book club  Join in here arrowliving.com

4:30 2014 Australian visit and cutting Kendall’s hair

6:00 Meghan’s love for Portland

6:54 What is Meghan’s typical day of training look like?

7:45 Meghan’s am routine

8:45 Meghan’s after training activities

10:00 Working with the USWNT on Players Association

12:45 Has Megan always been politically active?

14:03 When did Megan’s love of cooking begin?

16:15 Meghan’s family

17:25 Crazy Klingenberg game nights

18:53 In her opinion, is her family competitiveness healthy?

21:13 What other sports did Meghan play?

21:47 Did Meghan have a goal of playing on the Nat’l team?

23:55 What attracted Meghan to University of North Carolina?

26:35 Does Meghan have other obsessions beyond soccer?

30:05 When did Meghan get called up the Nat’l team, camp experience and China?

33:12 How does Meghan deal with the stress of soccer?

38:13 What was Meghan’s 1st tournament that she tried to make on the national team?

41:11 How did Meghan’s time in Sweden change her mental outlook?

42:55 Daring Bravely   Brene Brown

44:18 Meghan’s perspective of being vulnerable on the soccer field

47:04 How does Meghan deal with being in the spotlight?

48:46 Meghan’s favorite hate message that she has received

49:26 How does Meghan get her confidence back after a poor game?

51:00 What goes through her mind during her training sessions?

52:45 Which 2 teammates would you have bury a body?

53:54 What is the funniest memory of the Portland Thorns season?

56:46 What is Meghan’s guilty pleasure right now?

58:02 What is the coolest place Meghan’s ever been?

1:02:26 What is it like leading up to the National team announcement?

1:08:09 What one thing does Meghan have on her bucket list?

1:10:34 How did Edie Parson’s and Meghan become friends?

1:15:00 Women’s v. Men’s soccer disparity of pay

1:20:00 What was Meghan’s first thought when she woke up this morning?

1:20:13 Meghan’s morning routine?

1:20:48 What is the biggest misconception that people have about Meghan?

1:22:40 What is one absurd belief that she has?

1:24:44 What is the worst advice Meghan’s ever been given?

1:26:22 What is Meghan’s favorite failure?

1:28:35 Meghan’s greatest accomplishment

1:30:21 What is one tip Meghan gives tto female athletes?

Resources

Click HERE to join the Arrow Living Book Club

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

Click HERE  to be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content

Follow Meghan Klingenberg

www.meghanklingenberg.com

On Instagram:

@meghankling

On twitter:

@meghankling

Share the love

If you haven’t already, I would be so very grateful if you rated and left me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

51-Tiffany Weimer-on starting side businesses to afford to play professionally and sleeping with her soccer ball

In today’s episode I interview professional soccer player and Duktig brand co-founder Tiffany Weimer.

Tiffany is a goal scoring machine. At North Haven High School in Connecticut, she scored 109 goals. At Penn State University, she netted 91 goals and holds the NCAA record for most consecutive games with goals scored with a total of 17. She earned Big Ten Offensive Player of the Year, was a Mac Herman Trophy runner up, the Big Ten Female Athlete of the Year, and Top Drawer Soccer Player of the Year.

Tiffany has played professionally for 10 years with stints in Finland, Brazil, Sweden, Denmark, and the US.

In the NWSL she’s played with the Portland Thorns, Washington Spirit, Boston Breakers, and is currently with the Houston Dash.

Tiffany was the kind of kid that named her soccer ball and slept with it at night. Her involvement in soccer extends beyond the pitch. Tiffany utilized her journal degree and became the founder and Editor-In-Chief of Our Game Magazine, a women’s soccer quarterly magazine. After 5 years, she decided to part ways, and recently co-founded The DuKtig Brand which provides planners to help players and coaches to be more organized, prepared, and professional at every level.

In our conversation we talk about:

-her appearance on The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 playing soccer with Blake Lively

-the creative ways she makes money to be able to fund her career as a professional female athlete

-why she felt she went about her college recruiting process entirely wrong

-what she learned from playing overseas in Brazil and Finland

-how journaling her training sessions helps her understand herself better.

-the negative effects she believes GPS numbers and sports science have on players

-how being a practice player further improved and enhanced her love for the game

-the mental training app that she uses in the morning

And more.

Enjoy my conversation with the soccer-obsessed, journal-er Tiffany Weimer

Listen on iTunes:  51-Tiffany Weimer-on starting side businesses to afford to play professionally and sleeping with her soccer ball 

Shownotes:

:50              Who is Tiffany Weimer?

3:15             Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 appearance

6:00            What’s the story behind Tiffany’s signature headband?

7:45              Tiffany’s childhood soccer experience

9:15              When did Tiffany know that soccer would be her future?

10:25            What do you think coaches can do to inspire players to take it to the next level?

13:03            What is Tiffany’s favorite nutmeg?

13:49            What did Tiffany’s college recruiting process entail?

17:20            What contributed to Tiffany’s award winning run at Penn State?

19:30            How did she discover the dreaminess of practicing in raquetball courts?

21:24            Does she have a particular goal celebration?

22:08           How did Tiffany transition into the post college soccer world?

23:50           What was Tiffany’s experience like playing in Brazil?

26:00           What did her first abroad team in Finland teach her?

27:15            Did she have a favorite experience playing overseas?

28:59           What hobbies does  Tiffany enjoy?

30:00          Tiffanys start up soccer magazine   Our Game Magazine

32:26          Has Tiffany always been innovative or entreprenurial?

33:58          What is the Duktig Brand?

36:29          Has Tiffany always been an obsessive planner?

37:36          How many journals does she use and is writing her best tool?

38:44          What does her practice session planning look like?

39:56          Has Tiffany’s mentality shifted as she has become a veteran player?

41:29           Tiffany’s opinion of the failure of the GPS system

43:09          How did being a practice player affect Tiffany?

46:26          Tiffany’s beloved soccer ball

49:39          What was Tiffany’s first thought this morning

49:48          Tiffany’s am routine    

51:44           Doso app

54:41           Has Tiffany always seen a sports psychologist?

55:24           What is the biggest misconception people have about Tiffany?

57:06           What is one of Tiffany’s beliefs or habits that other people think is crazy?

58:35          Has Tiffany tried to introduce balance into her life?

1:00:06      What is the worst advice that Tiffany has ever been given?

1:00:50       What is one simple habit or advice that Tiffany gives to female athletes?

Resources

Follow Tiffany Weimer and Duktig:

https://www.duktigbrand.com

On Instagram:

@tiffanyweimer 

@duktigbrand

Tiffany’s blog 

On twitter:

@TiffanyWeimer

@duKTiGbrand

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

Click HERE  to be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content

Share the love

If you haven’t already, I would be so very grateful if you rated and left me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

Link to podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-arrow-living-female-athlete-podcast/id1209732130?mt=2HERE

50-Erin McLeod-on playing fearlessly, enjoying the process, and making art from the heart

In today’s episode I interview Canadian national team goalkeeper and Olympic medalist, Erin McLeod.

Erin’s obsession with competing in the Olympics  began at childhood in Alberta, Canada. Despite doubters, Erin was convinced it was going to happen. It did. And more.

Erin has represented Canada in three World Cups, and two Olympics, earning a bronze medal at the 2012 London Olympics. She is now seen as one of the best goalkeepers in the world.

Erin’s talents extend beyond the soccer field. She is a tattoo artist, the co-founder of the clothing line company Motive Collective, the creator of Motive Nation (providing content and resources for people striving for more), the wife of pro-footballer Ella Masar,  and the mother to two chihuahuas,  among many other things.

Through it all, Erin has an insatiable hunger to grow, learn, evolve, and inspire.

In our conversation, Erin talks about:

-how her obsession with Wayne Gretzky and the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles spurred her art career

-the influence her art has on her goalkeeping

-what it was like living and playing in Jakarta, Indonesia as a child during the riots

-the risk scale, created by  Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield, that she uses  to rate her days

-her interaction with Lebron James at the Olympics

-why her third ACL tear served as an opportunity to fall in love with the game again

-the period-tracking app that she uses to enhance her performance on the field

And more.

Enjoy my conversation with the creative, never-ending learner Erin McLeod

Listen on iTunes: 50-Erin McLeod-on playing fearlessly, enjoying the process, and making art from the heart

Resources

Erin’s clothing line:

Motive Collective

Erin’s blog:

themotivenation.ca

On Instagram:

@erinmcleod1

On Twitter:

@erinmcleod18

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

Click HERE  to be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content

Share the love

If you haven’t already, I would be so very grateful if you rated and left me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

49-Adele Jackson Gibson-on connecting with her body through Crossfit, a beauty pageant, and shaving off her hair

In today’s episode,  I interview Adele Jackson Gibson. Adele is a Crossfitter , sports model, and editor for The Players Tribune  (one of my favorite athlete sources because it provides stories that come directly from the athletes, told by the athletes, as opposed to the media skewing their stories).

Adele played goalkeeper at Yale University.  She then attended New York University and earned a masters degree in journalism.  After college, Adele discovered crossfit and fell in love with how it allowed her to test her limits and give purpose to her workouts.  As you’ll hear,  Adele is not afraid to be herself and is constantly pushing her boundaries.

In our conversation Adele talks about:

-why she shaved her hair off and moved to Japan

-how Crossfit gave her confidence to embrace her muscular, sprinter-type body

-her experience entering a Miss America beauty pageant and how she was treated different based on her physical appearance

-why she believes that it’s a misconception that you need to work hard

-how modeling influences her confidence

-why she believes no one should have to worry about money EVER

-the book that changed her entire perspective on life

and more.

Enjoy my conversation with the insightful, growth-seeking Adele Jackson Gibson

To Listen on iTunes click HERE

Shownotes

:55                  Who is Adele Jackson?

3:00                Adele’s crossfit onsies

4:33                How did Adele move into the world of crossfit?

7:05                 What sports did she play in her younger years?

9:46                 Yale soccer and track workouts and lifting

12:58               What scared her initially about weight lifting?

13:45               Adele’s Japan experience

19:55               The Moth

21:11                How did her perception of her body change while living in Japan?

24:38              Why did Adele enter a beauty pageant?

30:12               Adele explains the pageant process

33:30               Pageant charity platforms

35:50               Was preparing for the pageant similar to preparing for a sporting event?

38:00               How was Adele’s physique accepted in the pageant?

43:05                Did her perception of beauty pageants change after her experience?

45:30                How did Adele get into sports modeling?

46:33                 How is her confidence now that she is in the sports modeling industry?

48:32                 The Players Tribune

50:25                 Who does Adele want to interview?

53:35                  What does Adele think needs to be addressed in women’s sports?

55:50                  Adele’s am routine

56:15                   Adele’s meditation experience

56:36                   What is the biggest misconception people have about Adele?

57:02                   What is the worst advice that she has ever been given?

1:00:36                What is one belief that others think is crazy?

1:04:03                What is her favorite book she has ever read?  Law of attractions

1:06:55                 What single tip does Adele give for female athletes?

Resources

Follow Adele Jackson Gibson:

https://www.adelejacksongibson.com

On Instagram:

@adelejackson26

On twitter:

@adeleJG26

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

Click HERE  to be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content

Share the love

If you haven’t already, I would be so very grateful if you rated and left me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3