79- I hated my body, but now I love my body and it weirds me out

Today’s episode is a follow-up of my last one on how I healed my “disordered eating.” In particular, I dive deep into my tumultuous relationship to my body.

From bed-ridden concussion symptoms, to digestive issues, disordered eating, to hating what stared back at me in the mirror… my relationship to my body has been through the ringer. For so long, I viewed my body as the thing that was holding me back from doing the things I wanted to do in my life. I felt like a caged animal. A hermit crab, superglued to its shell, sporadically tortured by random emotional and physical sensations, with no place to escape. 

When I started learning about the nervous system, everything changed. 

In this episode I talk about:

• why over-achieving affected my confidence in my body 

• the misconception that being positive about your body is healing

• going from hating my body to being at peace with it

• how I’m losing weight working out less and eating more

And more. 

Enjoy :) 

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Resources

Follow Arrow Living on instagram

Be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other magical content HERE 

A list of the 11 books that have had the biggest impact on my life as an athlete HERE

a day in the life of my eating disorder

I have something on my heart that I’ve wanted to share about  for years, but it felt too shameful to reveal while I was going through it. 

I had binge eating disorder.

“Binge eating disorder” feels like three measly words that don’t encapsulate the hell my body went through during this experience. 

For 7 years, food consumed my life. What started with the pure intention to heal digestion issues, quickly and also slowly spiraled into being about so much more. Eating was about my livelihood.  I held this belief that if ate perfectly, then I would heal my concussion, I would get the body of my dreams, attract my soul mate and, most importantly, I would be able to get back to playing soccer like myself. 

Food thoughts consumed my life. I attributed my lingering concussion symptoms to not being strict enough with my diets. 

I know now, that this is complete and utter nonsense. But, fuck, when you’re in it, it’s a dark and shameful place.  Because you don’t know why you can’t stop your binging, especially when it’s the thing you loathe the most about yourself. I’ve never felt more out of control. 

I share this story with so much compassion for myself and anyone who resonates with it. I believe that disordered eating and body image issues are way way way more prominent than we know. Especially, in the female athletic world.

I’ll be sharing how I got to the other side in the future, but for now, here’s a piece where I recount a day in the life of my eating disorder,  when I was in the thick of it. 

Sending love to anyone who relates and I hope you know that every part of you is pure magic. 

xx Kendall 

(listen to the podcast version below the written piece or on iTunes HERE )

________________________________________________________________________________

At 9:48pm I walked over to the counter of an empty Laughing Planet. It was just me and the cashier, Dave, a mid 20ish year-old ball-capped man that I couldn’t quite determine if I thought was cute or not. 

“May I have some chips and salsa please?”

“Don’t over do it with that meal…” Dave sarcastically smiled back at me. 

I couldn’t quite determine if he was flirting or not. I couldn’t quite determine a lot of things when I was in this state. But, I could determine that Dave wouldn’t have said that if he knew four hours earlier I was sitting on my couch and all I could think about was a chocolate chip cookie. At first, I tried to write out my feelings about wanting a chocolate chip cookie so that I wouldn’t give in to the chocolate chip cookie. Then, I tried to focus my attention on finalizing a podcast episode so I wouldn’t give in to the chocolate chip cookie. I tried watching more game film so I wouldn’t give into the chocolate chip cookie. I tried tidying up my place so I wouldn’t give in to the chocolate chip cookie. But the chocolate chip cookie…like most nights, was a pesky, persistent, fatass moth, and I was an even fatter-assed light bulb. 

Of course, once again, I failed.

You stupid piece of shit. What is wrong with you? I mean, I love you. But, also what the fuck?

The voices in my head were at constant battle with one other. On these nights, the voice I like to call The Cookie Monster, took over with vengeance. 

I knew what was about to ensue, no matter how hard I tried to stop it.

It mostly started with New Seasons. My favorite and least favorite grocery store. Kendall dreaded it. The Cookie Monster devoured it.

When I arrived at the store, I opted for a paleo cookie and a cookie dough flavored Quest bar. Healthier options than the real thing. And maybe, just maybe, this time the result would be different than my hundreds of others.

I sat down in the eating area and did my best to savor the treats. The Cookie Monster grew louder with each bite. 

My endorphins were raving. I needed more.  

I knew I had already flunked. There was no going back. I might as well eat everything I wanted and tomorrow I would start anew. I would be good tomorrow. For real. Tomorrow would be different.  But, tonight, I feast. I couldn’t buy more at this New Season though, because then the cash register might notice me again and think I’m a whale with no self-control.  

Before I left for my next mission, like I always did, I had to make my rounds in the bulk section. 

The bulk section was the Mecca. It had the nuts, granola, chocolate covered raisins, dried mangoes. All the stuff that was too sugary or crappy for me to consume normally.  And the bonus: I didn’t have to pay for it, so it’s like it didn’t count. Every time I was in the Mecca, I mentally rehearsed the secret role play of my dreams:

Employee who notices me eating out of the bulk section like it’s an all you can eat buffet: “excuse me ma’am you can’t sample the bulk section like that. You have to pay for those items.” 

Me, simultaneously blushing and aggressively hugging the employee who notices me eating out of the bulk section like it’s an all you can eat buffet: “oh my goodness, thank you to the heavens and back for catching me! I’ve been hoping I’d get roasted by someone for ages. I promise I’m not trying to be a bad person, it’s just that I have uncontrollable binges.  And when this happens, I literally feel like I exit my body and The Cookie Monster takes the wheel of my mind. I feel sooo much shame about it but because you caught me, now I will never do it again and I will finally heal. Thank you!!”

Once I got my Mecca fix and closed the curtains on this imaginary scene, it was onto the next one. 

At this point, I had memorized every single New seasons and Whole Foods within a 20 mile radius of Portland. I imagine this is what addicted gamblers do with casinos.

I got in my car, and drove to a New Seasons 10 minutes away. 

There’s something about these drives that feels sacred. It’s as if I am a baby being pacified by the sensory experience of cruising along dark, uncrowded roads. I can be all to myself. Listen to whatever emo music I want. Cry. Escape the feeling that I am a fuck up because I binged last night too and I woke up this morning convinced that today would be the day for change, but it wasn’t because I am a fuck up.

I have a tab going on my whiteboard. I get a star every time I go a day without a binge. And a heart, to attempt compassion, every day I binge. I was seeing a lot hearts lately. But, today was supposed to be the day for change. I left for Thorns training without eating anything. The night prior, I had round-housed enough for the entire day alone, so I would intermittent fast until the afternoon. Train on an empty stomach. You burn more calories that way anyways. 

I showed up to training, and like always was the case, I felt groggy as our coach was going over our plan for the day. During warm up, my arms started tingling, and I had a massive desire to run away from this scene all together. 

My first thought wasn’t that these symptoms were a result from the severe concussion I was recovering from, but because of my binge episode. Obviously I feel so off because I stuffed my face the night before, and now I’m sabotaging myself! 

On the weeks where I have a bunch of stars on my whiteboard, yet still have those symptoms? It is because I was not eating clean enough. I need to be even better than my gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, low-carb, high fat, mostly plant-based, lots of veggies, fasting in the morning, drinking a glass of water upon awakening, don’t eat after 7pm lifestyle (it wasn’t a diet because this is how I planned to be eating for life, in order to be my most optimal self). 

The car rides between grocery stores are a place for me to forget about everything. Just surrender into the darkness. My darkness. 

I arrived at the next New Seasons. This time, I opted for the creaminess of ice cream and the fluffiness of a slice of vanilla cake. I didn’t really want it, but I also couldn’t stop. 

I followed this up with a trip to Whole Foods for more cookies and a pitstop at a pizza joint. 

How I still wasn’t full after eating energy bars, cookies, ice cream, cake, handfuls of samples at the multiple Meccas, and pizza was beyond me. At this rate, I could eat the entire Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory and still have room for more. 

Finally, after a few hours, I started to feel the intense discomfort of my bloating stomach. I was super thankful this sensation arose, because it was one of the few things that stopped my face stuffing. But, since I was starting over with my healthy eating tomorrow, I might as well make the most of tonight. I decided to go for one last night cap.

At 9:48pm I walked over to the counter of an empty Laughing Planet. It was just me and the cashier, Dave, a mid 20ish year-old ball-capped man that I couldn’t quite determine if I thought was cute or not. 

“May I have some chips and salsa please?”

“Don’t over do it with that meal…” Dave sarcastically smiled back at me. 

I couldn’t quite determine if he was flirting or not. I couldn’t quite determine a lot of things when I was in this state. But I could determine that Dave wouldn’t have said that if he knew ordering those chips was the one thing that I was determined not to do today. That the entirety of my day revolved around THE ONE goal of eating like a normal person.

But of course, once again I failed.

You stupid piece of shit. What is wrong with you? I mean, I love you. But, also what the fuck? 

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Resources

Follow Arrow Living on instagram

Be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other magical content HERE 

A list of the 11 books that have had the biggest impact on my life as an athlete HERE

58-Keelin Winters Pattillo, on dealing with pressure, overcoming burn-out, and living in a campervan while playing pro soccer

In this episode, I interview firefighter, former professional soccer player, and farmer Keelin Winters Pattillo. 

Keelin is a force of nature. It appears as though everything she touches turns into a success. I believe Keelin accomplishes whatever she puts her mind to because she’s one the most disciplined people I know. 

Keelin grew up living in a multitude of cities around the US, as her father was a NBA coach and was constantly on the move. Although her 5 siblings chose to dedicate themselves to basketball, the sport wasn’t physical enough for Keelin. So, she chose to play soccer. 

Keelin went on to play at University of Portland, earning West Coast Conference Player of the Year. She won a goal medal in the U-20 World Cup. She was drafted 6th overall in the WPS to the Boston Breakers. She’s played overseas with FFC Turbine Potsdam in Germany and the Western Sydney Wanderers in Australia. She played four years with Seattle Reign FC, winning two NWSL Shields, for finishing 1st in regular season play. She also earned a contract with full US national team. 

On most of those teams, she wore the captains armband, a testament to Keelin’s supreme focus and leadership skills. 

In this episode we talk about:

• why she chose to spend her honeymoon with her wife Paige living in a camper van while playing in Australia

• what it was like having five siblings, a disciplinarian mom, and an NBA-coaching dad

• how she’s in even better shape than when she was playing professionally because of living on a farm

• her decision to get dreadlocks in college and how they helped her find herself 

• the make-you or break-you pressure of US national team camp 

• why she retired even though she was in her prime

• the advice her sports psychologist gave her that helped immensely when she was feeling burnt out 

And more! 

Listen on iTunes HERE 

Resources

Follow Keelin on instagram HERE

Join Friday Feelz HERE

A list of the 11 books that have had the biggest impact on my life as an athlete HERE

Be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other magical content HERE 

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Want a Crash Course on Overcoming Fear of Failure and How to Let Go? Procure A Severe Concussion (but, actually please don’t. Like really, don’t. It’s not worth it, I promise)

You know those drivers who drive 15 mph slower than speed the limit? The ones that never in their entire lives have been pulled over for speeding, but surely have accumulated a stack of “Too Slow” tickets, guilty for excessively, low-balling the speed limit.When I returned back to the states from Australia, my concussion healing progress felt as if I was a backseat passenger to one of those drivers. At the rate my car was moving, I was confident I could jump out the window unscathed, and crawl to our destination before it arrived.Except in this vehicle, the buckle was super glued into the lock. Escaping wasn’t an option. I was trapped, forced to twiddle my thumbs as I watched butterflies buzz by my window at 5 times the speed.

My First Physical Therapy Appointment 

The day after I landed in Portland, I showed up to my first physical therapy appointment eager to make gains.I’m a habitual goal-setter, and I collaborated with my athletic trainer to devise a rehab plan, involving working with her, a neck specialist, occupational therapist, and cranial sacral therapist. We set a very conservative 6 week “return to play” date. Due to all of the hiccups in Australia, I was advised to take a more cautious rehab approach.I reluctantly agreed. I was learning that pushing harder is not conducive to concussion recovery.Plus, I calculated that even in abiding by this sloth-y 6 week timeline, I would be recovered right in time for pre-season.After creating the plan, I dove headfirst into therapy.I met with the occupational therapist and performed a series of eye exercises. One of them involved standing in front of a ball covered in the alphabet, hanging by a string from the ceiling. My ocular therapist swung the contraption from left to right, and I attempted to read the letters aloud. As the ball tottered to the right, I shot my eyes over to follow it. Instantly, nausea and light headedness engulfed my brain, as if it were a seashell amongst a tidal wave.We stopped. I composed myself. Then we attempted again, but with the ball swinging at a more condensed, slower speed. At this pace, I was able to tolerate reading the letters with minor eye strain. After finishing this session, my body felt as if I had ran a marathon backwards, while simultaneously solving the world’s largest Rubix cube.I turned off the room’s lights, rested for few minutes to reboot, and then headed upstairs to finish my rehab with some physical exercise.My trainer told me my workout for the day was a 10 minute bike ride at a heart rate between 120–130 beats per minute.For the love of gobstoppers, are you for real? Someone please inform me how this is going to get me back in 6 weeks?? I need my fitness! I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that this qualified as a workout.I begged to do more, but my trainer explained to me that the whole idea with all my rehab-eyes, neck, physical exercise etc.- was to tax my system just enough to build up my threshold. If I pushed too much, then my body would transform into a comatose zombie.If I made it through the day without symptoms afterwards, then I could move up to a 15 minute ride the next day.Although I had already experienced multiple setbacks from going too hard too soon,  I constantly had to work on un-programing my lifelong belief that pushing through pain made me stronger.I biked for 10 minutes, staring at my heart rate reading the entire time to ensure that it remained exactly at 130 bpm. (if 130 bpm was the absolute highest I could exert myself, then I sure as hell was going to get the most out of it).I hibernated in bed the rest of the day. That evening my nausea resurfaced and the pressure in my head increased. It felt as if I was wearing sunglasses 10 times too tight. The entire night, I restlessly tossed and turned under my covers. 

The First of One-hundred Plus Setbacks  

I woke up discouraged that my first day of therapy-a mere bout of eye exercises and a 10 minute bike ride-sent my body into a downward spiral.But, I wasn’t going to let one day bring me down. I plugged in my headphones, listened to Rihanna’s “This Girl is on Fire,” stared myself down in the mirror and yelled at the top of my lungs “You are fucking UNSTOPPABLE!!!! Today’s a new day Kendall. It’s time to go slay that 10 minute bike ride and get through the day symptom-free like the badass boss that you are.”Despite the pep-talk, my headache, nausea, and disorientation returned that afternoon.This pattern reoccured the next day. And the next day. And the next.After 4 days, I graduated from a 10 minute bike ride to 15 minutes.Six weeks later, our first pre-season game was here. I was nowhere near where I anticipated to be. I instantly set a new date to return. Okay, I’ll be back by our first exhibition game, no doubt. The exhibition game arrived. If my progress were a game of Sorry, I had moved my pawn one space forward. Okay, then I’ll be back by our home opener, no doubt.” The home-opener rolled around, and my pawn was in the same spot.  Fifty plus times, I set my target date, and missed the mark.I felt trapped in a continuous loop:

1. Do rehab and workout

2. Feel amped on life, and 100% confident that I’m going to be back playing soon

3. Plead to my trainer to do more

4. Trainer explains to me that I need to see how this afternoon goes before I increase my load

5. Afternoon comes around, my symptoms sneak back

6. Get discouraged

7. Give myself a pep talk

8. Try again the next day

9. Repeat steps 1-8 for 6 months

It seemed like no matter how much I did my exercises my fatigue, nausea, and headaches persisted. And I was over it; tired of shaking my own cheerleader pom poms. I just wanted to feel normal again, or at least make some significant progress. 

Scaling Back My Days 

The next day, I showed up to my daily rehab session with my head throbbing and mind feeling like a fogged up a car window with a broken defroster.  I sat down with my trainer and swallowed back tears as I expressed my frustration of my progress.She consoled me then asked what I do in a typical day, aside from therapy.“I’m not doing that much, I’m doing wayyyy less than what I used to do.”She had me list off a typical day.“I get up, do a few push-ups and planks, read a tiny bit, then stretch. I rehab and workout at my PT place, then go to a coffee shop, write,  listen to a podcast. I then go on a little walk, cook dinner, visualize, lay in bed…”She stopped me in my tracks before I could finish.She explained that I have experienced a brain injury. This is a big deal.  Similarly,  as I have to build my tolerance with physical activity, I have to build my tolerance with everyday tasks as well. I essentially have to to relearn how to live in this world. If I exceed my threshold, then I’ll be set back more days.I hated this idea of doing less than “the less” that I was already doing, but I was willing to do anything to heal.We composed a sample day to “pace myself”:-I could only write or read for 20 minutes a day, not both-I could go to a coffee shop for an hour, not two-I needed to limit my driving, hanging out with people, walking, and all other things that drained me-Instead of doing my push-ups and planks, stretching would be more beneficial-After I do these activities, rest is crucial so I don’t over-stimulate my brain-All of my activities must be done in doses, until I build up my threshold, then I can add more. 

Setting Goals Can Be A Slippery Slope 

As a competitive athlete my entire live, I have always thrived on doing more than my opponents. Up until this point, my body had allowed me to push it to its limits.If I experienced any sort of setback, I put my nose down and grinded back into alignment with my dreams.My concussion was the first time that taking this approach didn’t work.It’s a wildly foreign concept to not feel in control of my body and equally as strange to be told to do less.After my talk with my trainer, I drastically cut back on ordinary tasks and reduced my schedule to the bare bones basics.  Slowly, this made a difference. I was able to get through my therapy and experience fewer symptoms throughout the day, but the biggest shift came from my overall sense of peace.I’m a massive fan of goals of all the variety (the soccer ones and the setting ones). But sometimes we cling to our goals so tightly, that we morph into them. It’s almost as if we feel we ARE the goal. And we become unsettled if we haven’t achieved them yet.I’ve always played from this place of wanting more, more, and more. Nothing is ever enough for me. In the past months, I got a crash course on failure. I set targets and missed them again and again and again, which followed by getting discouraged again and again and again. Until I realized that if I continued this pattern, I’d soon be drowning in a lake of my own tears and self-doubt.

I’m all for seeking improvement, but when we subconsciously base our worth off of being somewhere we are not, it’s literally impossible to feel at ease. We begin to walk around with this nagging feeling that something is missing.

Once my sole focus was no longer about getting in physical shape by a certain time, I was able to let go of my expectations of where I thought I needed to be. Instead, I met myself where I was at, and it was incredibly freeing.

“Letting go” has been my most consistent (and difficult) theme and has led to my most efficient progress throughout my recovery.  I constantly have to remind myself that setting goals and letting them go are not mutually exclusive. They actually compliment one another:  Set the goal, let it go, give all my energy to the present moment, and trust that I’ll end up where I am meant to end up. Because let’s be honest, if I am going to be stuck in the back of a 2mph moving vehicle, I might as well get cozy, and roll down the window and take in the views I experience along the way. If we open our eyes to what’s in front of us, the process really is a beautiful thing.

49-Adele Jackson Gibson-on connecting with her body through Crossfit, a beauty pageant, and shaving off her hair

In today’s episode,  I interview Adele Jackson Gibson. Adele is a Crossfitter , sports model, and editor for The Players Tribune  (one of my favorite athlete sources because it provides stories that come directly from the athletes, told by the athletes, as opposed to the media skewing their stories).

Adele played goalkeeper at Yale University.  She then attended New York University and earned a masters degree in journalism.  After college, Adele discovered crossfit and fell in love with how it allowed her to test her limits and give purpose to her workouts.  As you’ll hear,  Adele is not afraid to be herself and is constantly pushing her boundaries.

In our conversation Adele talks about:

-why she shaved her hair off and moved to Japan

-how Crossfit gave her confidence to embrace her muscular, sprinter-type body

-her experience entering a Miss America beauty pageant and how she was treated different based on her physical appearance

-why she believes that it’s a misconception that you need to work hard

-how modeling influences her confidence

-why she believes no one should have to worry about money EVER

-the book that changed her entire perspective on life

and more.

Enjoy my conversation with the insightful, growth-seeking Adele Jackson Gibson

To Listen on iTunes click HERE

Shownotes

:55                  Who is Adele Jackson?

3:00                Adele’s crossfit onsies

4:33                How did Adele move into the world of crossfit?

7:05                 What sports did she play in her younger years?

9:46                 Yale soccer and track workouts and lifting

12:58               What scared her initially about weight lifting?

13:45               Adele’s Japan experience

19:55               The Moth

21:11                How did her perception of her body change while living in Japan?

24:38              Why did Adele enter a beauty pageant?

30:12               Adele explains the pageant process

33:30               Pageant charity platforms

35:50               Was preparing for the pageant similar to preparing for a sporting event?

38:00               How was Adele’s physique accepted in the pageant?

43:05                Did her perception of beauty pageants change after her experience?

45:30                How did Adele get into sports modeling?

46:33                 How is her confidence now that she is in the sports modeling industry?

48:32                 The Players Tribune

50:25                 Who does Adele want to interview?

53:35                  What does Adele think needs to be addressed in women’s sports?

55:50                  Adele’s am routine

56:15                   Adele’s meditation experience

56:36                   What is the biggest misconception people have about Adele?

57:02                   What is the worst advice that she has ever been given?

1:00:36                What is one belief that others think is crazy?

1:04:03                What is her favorite book she has ever read?  Law of attractions

1:06:55                 What single tip does Adele give for female athletes?

Resources

Follow Adele Jackson Gibson:

https://www.adelejacksongibson.com

On Instagram:

@adelejackson26

On twitter:

@adeleJG26

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

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My Dog is Dying, I'm Jobless, and I'm in Awe of my Left Index Finger

To listen to audio click link below, listen on iTunes HERE, or continue reading on.

My dog is dying. We all are, but Jake’s a little bit further along than most. If I’m at my parent’s house, and we hear a “bang! bang! bang!” late in the evening, we know it’s not a burglar. It’s Jake, tumbling down the wooden stairs because his hind legs have collapsed. Jake poops in the house each afternoon because he can’t hold it in long enough to relieve himself outside. When he does make it outdoors, a five minute neighborhood sniff leaves him huffing and puffing as if he’s just maxed out on the beep test.

The other night, at 10:59pm, I calculated that I have exactly 11 days of Jake’s entire life to spend with him. I sobbed. Uncontrollably. Alone. On my apartment floor.

I calculated that I have 11 days left with Jake because at the end of my last soccer season, I was released from the Portland Thorns.  I’m leaving in 11 days to tryout for the new NWSL Utah Royals team.

It’s a funny thing when you enter the professional level starting every game, and then five years later you have to tryout to make it.  From the outside, it appears I have regressed. I don’t believe I have.

It’s humbling. But, I’m not ashamed.

I’m not ashamed because my dog is dying.  And every single time I enter my parent’s home, I ignore all other human existence and bee-line to Jake. I suffocate him with cuddles and speak to him in my prepubescent little girl voice, as if somehow the change of tone will indicate I love him more.

I love Jake more than he loves medium-rare New York steak, a spoonful of peanut butter, and every other dinner item he’s ever begged for under the table. Once, back in Jake’s prime, he snuck onto the kitchen counter and knocked down an entire platter of brownies. He licked the brownies clean, including parts of the shattered ceramics dish. I love Jake even more than that.

My brother thinks Jake has more than a year left to live. I’m an optimist. Miracles happen, but it doesn’t seem likely.

My entire life, the thought of Jake dying torched my soul. I avoided this idea entirely.

Until one evening, about two years ago, when I drew a bubble bath and began reading a book called Being Mortal. I distinctly remember gripping the book, and digesting a passage about how our bodies are slowly deteriorating.  By the age of thirty, our lung capacity declines and the demise continues from there; our teeth slowly decay, our hair changes color, we lose muscle mass….Each word I consumed felt like my gut was stepping into a bottomless pile of quicksand.

After reading this passage, I peered down at my left index finger. I observed the criss-cross wrinkle patterns on my skin. I stared at my hair follicles. The deeper grooves on my knuckles. Dang, I need to moisturize more.  Why is my finger hair so much shorter than the ones on my arm? Where did this shiny shield we call a “fingernail” come from? How does my my brain Simon-Says this finger to bend back and forth anytime it wants?

I’ve been the caretaker of my dying finger for 25 years, and never had I observed it in such vivid detail.

It was this bubble bath-the pondering of my finger’s fate- that gave birth to my obsession with death, and, not coincidentally, the moment some of my friend’s questioned whether or not to check me into a psychiatric ward.

I became intrigued by the fear surrounding death.  Why are we all so afraid of it? Why do we feel like a kindergartner stuck alone underneath a rainbow parachute every time we think about our loved ones passing? Why does no one talk about it?

Death is one of the few things in life that is 100% certain. It’s unavoidable. Yet we treat it like it’s not just the elephant in the room, but the largest tyrannosaurus rex of the kingdom.  It’s as if we think that acknowledging it will somehow bring us down faster.

A few months later, I consumed another book, True Refuge. The author, Tara Brach,  talks about an exercise she performed at a meditation retreat. The participants were told to find a stranger and hug them. While arms still wrapped around their partner,  they were instructed to repeat the following: “I’m going to die.  You’re going to die. And all we have are these precious moments.”

I immediately began trying this exercise on every person I encountered. My mom, friends, teammates, the mailman (jk, I didn’t take it that far).  I asked for a hug, and when they obliged, I’d hit them them with the dialogue. Again, most of them further questioned my sanity.

For me, it felt like a similar experience to the night of my finger analyzation. When I acknowledged death, everything seemed to matter more.

From this point on, I started consciously accepting that Jake was going to die. I was greeted with deep sadness, but it wasn’t as scary as before. I found I cherished our time together even more.

On an off day, I whimsically drove with Jake up to the Oregon coast (his favorite place) and we hopped around from beach to beach, ending at Oceanside, the location of my childhood beach house. I pulled up to a side street, rolled down the windows to breath in the roaring ocean air, and climbed to the backseat to cuddle with Jake. I slept less than three winks the night, but I didn’t care. I knew this may be our last time here together.

This last season with the Portland Thorns. I feel like I took the same approach. The previous year and half, I was recovering from a concussion, and my absence from the pitch made me deeply aware of the rarity of playing professional soccer, even more-so in my own hometown.  On practice days, I warmed up with a deeper appreciation for my body’s ability to move however it could on that day. On game days, I fully soaked in the thunderous energy of the crowd.  On off days, I cherished Pacific Northwest adventures with my teammates to Crater Lake and the Gorge.

In my mind, I wanted to play in Portland forever. The Rose City is such a special place to me. I grew up a seven minute drive from the stadium. The fans are out of this world. My family comes to every game. Jake lives here.

After our championship, I was released from the team. And this idea of me staying forever was gone.

Yet, the strangest thing happened: I felt at peace.

I was heavyhearted and frustrated, naturally, but I believe this inner calmness arose because of my acceptance that everything in life is temporary.  I was going to have to leave the Portland Thorns eventually. I’m going to have to stop playing soccer eventually. Jake is going to die eventually. We all are.

I find we often wait to fully celebrate beings and things until they pass. I think we ought to have more living funerals.

Once we are gone, there’s no going back. At the end of it all, It doesn’t matter how much money is in our bank accounts, what awards we have won, or our number of Instagram followers. Everyone’s grave is the same size.

Why wait to fearlessly live, love, and be our truest selves?

When Jake’s time on this earth comes to an end, I know my face will be drenched in more tears than the person who gets splashed the most at Disneyland’s Splash Mountain. I plan on mourning by whatever means necessary (hello, Ben and Jerry).

Acknowledging death has been the ultimate wake up call. It has made me think about what it means to be alive and want to experience the simplest thing with as much gratitude as when I slept beachside in the back of the car with Jake and warmed up with my friends on the field at Providence Park.

My dog is dying. I am currently jobless, and I am in awe of my left index finger.

Because Jake’s the cutest and deserves to be seen by the world, here’s a few more photos of him:

47-Bianca Henninger-on finding balance, calming a hyper-analytical mind, and her affinity for business signs

In today’s episode I interview Mexico national team goalkeeper Bianca Henninger. Bianca attended Santa Clara University and currently plays club soccer for the Houston Dash. Growing up, Bianca was a frequent member of the youth U.S National Teams. In 2010, she received the US Soccer Young Female Athlete Award. She recently made the switch to the Mexico National team. Bianca is a fierce competitor on the field, but very easygoing and lighthearted off of it.

In her free time you’ll find Bianca cheering on her hometown Bay Area teams, walking up and down streets snapping photos of business signs, eating pizza, and obviously more.  

In our conversation Bianca talks about:

-the strategy she employs to get through tough workouts

-the importance of finding the balance that’s right for you

-the deep connection she has with her two creative brothers, whom are a filmmaker and singer/songwriter

-the effect stress has on your play

-what spurred her decision to switch from the U.S to the Mexico national team

-how she calms her over-active mind, which she claims could be a television show

-why living in Houston has forced her to change her fashion style

-her affinity for business signs (she’s cool with Universal signs too, but she’s a BIG FAN of the business signs)

And more.

Enjoy my conversation with the balance-seeking, sign-loving Bianca Henninger

Listen on iTunes HERE

Shownotes
:52                          Who is Bianca Henninger ?
3:01                       Her love of signs
4:19                      Her favorite sign
6:42                     Bianca’s brothers
9:00                    What influence did her parent’s have on her lifestyle?
10:35                   Why did Bianca’s dad always give her books and when did she love reading?
14:20                   Her favorite book
16:38                   U-20 World Cup penalty kick trauma – the triple encroachment!
20:38                   What was her reaction to the loss?
22:48                   What mindset strategies does she use for her training?
25:40                   Does Bianca take responsibility for a loss as a goalkeeper?
28:01                   What process does she use to get back into a positive mindset?
29:05                   Bianca’s training thoughts
31:23                   Float therapy: in Portland: Ensofloat
34:45                   Bianca’s meditation practice
37:22                   What inspired Bianca’s move to the Mexican national team?
39:45                   What type of reaction did she get for the switch?
41:50                   Is there differences between the training and climate of the two national teams?
44:00                   What’s Bianca’s experience of living in Houston?
47:50                   What useful tip has she gotten from a goalkeeper coach?
49:49                   Bianca’s am routine
51:11                   Biggest misconception people have about Bianca?
52:50                   What belief or habit does Bianca have that others think is crazy?
1:00:35                 What is the worst advice Bianca has ever been given?
1:02:06                 What is Bianca’s favorite app?  VSCO 
1:03:14                 What one tip would you give to a female athlete?
Houston Dash
The Moth   

Resources

Follow Bianca Henninger:

On Instagram:

@benninger

On twitter:

@beeyoncs

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

Click HERE  to be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content

Share the love

If you haven’t already, I would be so very grateful if you rated and left me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

46-Emily Allard-on finding the reason you play, managing feelings of hopelessness, and connecting to the ocean

In today’s episode I interview professional softball player and founder of Be The Momentum Emily Allard. Emily played college softball at Northwestern and continued on at the professional level with the Chicago Bandits, where her team has won two back to back championships. Emily is currently coming back from a concussion injury and is refreshingly open about her feelings of hopelessness and uncertainty of returning to play in the future. I really appreciated Emily’s rawness.

In our conversation Emily talks about:

-how childhood bullying led her to fall in love with softball

n-where she gets the motivation to keep coming back after battling injuries for 6 years

-why none of her teammates want to stand behind her in the autograph line

-the Chicago Bandit’s team culture that let them to back-to-back National Pro Fastpitch championship titles

-the most unexpected and best place she traveled to with Be The Momentum,  a slapping program where she coaches across the country and empowers kids on and off the softball field

-the gut-wrenching pain of not feeling like a part of the team while being injured and how she manages those feelings

-her morning routine that must involve a Starbucks run

And more.

Enjoy my conversation with the high-spirited, kid-loving Emily Allard

Listen on iTunes HERE

Shownotes 

:55 Who is Emily Allard?

2:26 Emily’s love of paddle boarding

4:14 What draws Emily to the ocean?

5:14 Chicago Bandits – Professional softball team & her work with NFCA

6:43 Emily’s passion in juggling work and playing ball

7:40 Emily’s typical day during the season

9:10 Her offseason routine

10:40 What strategies does she use to maintain her sanity?

12:20 Why is playing for the kids so important to her?

15:50 Her passion of talking to all fans

18:42 A standout fan moment

23:29 Back to back championships – what was the culture of the team?

29:30 What was the first championship experience like for Emily?

30:30 Her struggle with injuries

32:13 Did she feel like a part of the team for the 2nd championship?

34:19 How did she manage her feelings during her concussion recovery?

37:02 Her struggle with her love-hate of the game and her injuries

42:38 What makes Emily want to come back after 6 years of injuries?

44:50 Her experience of getting bullied

48:20 “Ride the Wave”

51:30 Be the Momentum product

53:04 Her work with softball clinics

55:18 Emily’s most surprising visit to a state

57:33 Emily’s am routine

58:28 The biggest misconception people have about Emily

59:31 What non-athlete does Emily admire?

1:00:10 What belief or habit do others think is crazy?

1:01:28 Emily’s favorite failure

1:04:03 One simple tip for female athletes

Resources

Follow Emily and Be The Momentum: 

Instagram:

@eallard24

@be_themomentum 

Twitter:

@eallard24

@be_themomentum 

BeTheMomentumSoftball.com 

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

Click HERE  to be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content

Share the love

If you haven’t already, I would be so very grateful if you rated and left me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

45-Jordan Angeli-on how she overcame 3 ACL tears and scored an unforgettable “World Cup” goal

In today’s conversation, I interview former professional soccer player, broadcaster for the Major League Soccer and the National Women’s Soccer League, and ACL Club founder, Jordan Angeli.

Jordan tore her ACL twice while at Santa Clara. She recovered and entered the professional level in her best form, earning herself multiple  US National team call-ups. During her first game of the second season with the Boston Breakers, Jordan tore her ACL for the third time.

Somewhat unexpectedly, and three years later, Jordan opted to make another comeback playing with the Washington Spirit and  Western New York Flash. In 2015, she opted to walk away from the game on her own terms.

Jordan is now pursuing her passion on the other side of the lines, as a broadcaster. She also runs the ACL Club, a club that provides support and resources for athletes recovering from  ACL tears. I highly recommend checking out her website and her podcast Show Your Scars, where she interviews professional athlete about their own acl stories.

In our conversation Jordan talks about:

-why she proudly trained with a U11 girls team during her comeback form her 3rd ACL tear

-the goal she envisioned scoring in the World Cup with her fellow Colorado Rush  Lindsey Horan, and how it came true in a different fashion

-what it was like being a 6 year senior at Santa Clara

-tools she used to help her manage her emotions while coming back from injury

-the hike that spurred her decision to walk away from playing professional soccer

-her go-to hairstyle for broadcasting

And more.

Enjoy my conversation with the passionate, connection-seeking Jordan Angeli.

Listen on iTunes:  45-Jordan Angeli-on how she overcame 3 acl tears and scored an unforgettable “World Cup” goal

Shownotes

:51                     Who is Jordan Angeli
1:52                    Show Your Scars podcast
3:45                  Does Jordan enjoy “stalking” interviewees?
5:30                   Angeli Upper Deck 2011 Boston Breaker card
6:40                    Jordan’s obsession with getting nails painted
7:34                    Jordan’s metaphors for life while being out in nature   ACL site
11:15                   Is there only one end goal for Jordan?
12:14                   Jordan explains being WCC defender of the year and most goals scored on team
14:05                   When was Jordan’s 1st ACL tear?
15:31                   What was her mindset about making it back on the field?
17:28                   When was the 2nd ACL tear?
21:37                   How could the trainer have conveyed the diagnosis better?
22:38                   How did she cope with the news?
23:58                   Did Jordan show her emotions?
26:52                   When did the 3rd ACL tear occur?
28:08                   Was it a personal choice to take a slower rehab?
29:39                   How was it being a 6th year senior?
30:57                   Was playing on the National team always a dream?
35:09                   3rd ACL filled with frustration and how did she deal with it?
41:00                   How did she get through 3 years of rehab and recovery?
44:58                   Training with U11 girls team, boys teams and her slow progression
46:07                   When she got back out on the pro field, did she feel 100%?
47:30                   How did her role change on the team?
48:10                   How did Jordan deal with not being on the field?
50:20                   Unforgettable moments
52:14                   What is Jordan’s visualization process?
53:48                   When did Jordan realize the National Team wasn’t her end goal?
56:20                   How did the decision to quit playing soccer feel for Jordan?
58:38                   The ACL Club
1:02:13                 Let’s go vs. Let it go
1:05:50                 Jordan’s philosophy of “looking outside of yourself” during recovery
1:08:12                 Jordan’s game day routine
1:11:32                 Her crazy windblown reporting
1:13:44                 How is she treated as a female broadcaster in the MLS?
1:17:03                 One belief Jordan has that others think is crazy
1:20:34                 Jordan’s tip for female athletes

Resources

Follow Jordan Angeli and The ACL Club:

theACLclub.com

Show Your Scars Podcast 

On Instagram:

@jordangeli 

@theaclclub

On twitter:

@jordangeli

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

Click HERE  to be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content

Share the love

If you haven’t already, I would be so very grateful if you rated and left me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

41- Emily Infeld- On “no days off”, recovery tips, and coping from injury with Bon Bons

In today’s episode, I interview professional long distance runner Emily Infeld. Emily grew up running track in her hometown of University Heights. At Georgetown University, she set the school record in the 3000m and 5000m, and notched a first place 3000m finish at the NCAA Indoor Championships. After college, Emily decided to pursue her dream of running professionally. She became one of the first women to join Jerry Schumacher’s Portland-based running group, the Bowerman Track Club, which encompasses some of the best runners in the world.

One of my favorite things about our conversation, is that despite Emily’s bubbliness and positivity, she candidly shares her internal struggles-including when she suffered a stress fracture just months before the Olympic trials (the race she’d been training for the past four years). In her lowest state. after a couple weeks of coping via snarfing down peanut butter and bon bons in bed, Emily persevered by accepting where she was and giving her best on that given day. Her strategies worked, as she competed in the 2016 Summer Olympics and earned a 3rd place in the World Championship finals.

In our conversation, we talk about:

-The benefits of high altitude training and other running “hacks”

-Her college track days (with Portland Thorns FC Emily Menges) attach link to Emily Menges podcast

-What it’s like training with her childhood idols, Shalane Flanagan and Kara Goucher

-Why she takes just one full day off every two months

-How she recovers from training sessions

And a lot more.

Enjoy my conversation with the upbeat, very fast human, Emily Infeld

Show Notes

:50 Who is Emily Infield?

3:10 The benefits of altitude training

6:57 What running hacks does Emily use? Cyrotherapy

8:20 Has Emily always known how to rest her body?

10:24 Emily’s recovery day

12:20 What does Emily do to release from the pressure of running?

13:50 Emily’s ombre hair & baking

16:02 Emily Menges’ Georgetown running

18:10 How did Emily choose Georgetown?

19:54 What other sports did young Emily participate in?

21:55 When did Emily start specializing in running?

23:15 Emily’s first Olympic dream

24:40 Emily’s path to the Bowerman Track Club

27:45 Her training partners:  Shalane Flanagan & Kara Goucher

29:39 What made the recruiting visit to Portland special?

30:52 Is Emily an analyzer or go with the flow personality?

31:49 Emily’s 1st training session with her idols

33:50 What is the training team like?

34:50 Is everyone’s training regime the same?

37:05 How helpful is training in a small team atmosphere?

39:12 World Championship experience 2015

42:23 How did she qualify for the Olympics?

43:37 Emily’s stress fracture recovery

45:49 How did Emily emotionally react to her setbacks?

49:38 What did it feel like for Emily to run in the Olympics?

52:50 Balancing competitiveness, setbacks and the appreciation of the sport

55:37 How does Emily get thru a mediocre track workout?

57:06 What would Emily tell her 12 year old self?

58:41 What are the best ways to recover after a run?

59:53 What music does Emily listen to while she runs?  Her obsession with Blink 182

1:00:47 Is running a form of mindfulness for Emily?

1:02:10 Emily’s morning routine

1:03:21 What body or mental prep does Emily do before training?

1:04:26 Biggest misconception that people have about Emily?

1:06:26 How does Emily get herself out of mental slumps?

1:08:12 Emily’s favorite failure

1:11:20 What is Emily’s favorite accomplishment?

1:13:38 What is Emily’s one simple tip for female athletes?

Follow Emily:

On Twitter: @emily_infeld

On Instagram: @EmilyInfeld

Share the love

If you haven’t already, I would be so very grateful if you rated and left me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

Resources

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

Click HERE  to be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content

Why Portland is the Best City for Women's Soccer in the World-a reflection on what it meant to play for Thorns FC as a Rose City native

I shuffle through the post-game signature line, scribbling on scarves, jerseys, and pamphlets  when a red rose face-painted girl asks me what it’s like to play in front of a sold-out stadium at Providence Park.

“Can you hear us!?” Do you get nervous?” her eyes beam.

___________________________________________________________________

When I was her age, I stood in that exact spot (far too shy to ask questions) anxiously awaiting signatures from the Portland Timbers. At the time, the Timbers were still a USL team. There was no women’s team.

Even then, I knew I was going to be a professional soccer player. My maturing brain had not worked out the logistics, but I was far too obsessed to pursue anything otherwise.

In 2003, the Women’s World Cup qualifiers were held at the same stadium. I sat in the stands, eyes glued to Tiffany Milbrett, Brandi Chastain, and Mia Hamm. My idols were playing in my own backyard!

For a Portlander, aside from the national team, University of Portland was the pinnacle of women’s soccer. I watched Christine Sinclair and her teammates bring home two NCAA championships, with Clive Charles as coach. I set my sights on becoming a Pilot.

My junior year at University of Portland, the National Women’s Soccer League came into fruition. I opted to forgo my final season and enter the college draft. I secretly hoped to get selected by Portland.

I was acquired by Sky Blue FC, in New Jersey. For two years, I got a taste of the east coast lifestyle; enough time to deepen my appreciation for Douglas Firs, quality coffee, and people who let you veer into their lane without flipping you the bird.

In 2015, I was traded home to Portland.

___________________________________________________________________

Before home games, the national anthem singer walks onto the field to perform. I always close my eyes. I take this time to give thanks for where I am today.  I reflect back to when I was the red rose face-painted girl’s age; waking up at 3am to watch the US women team play China; spending hours kicking the ball against the racquetball courts-a mere 100 yards away at the adjacent Multnomah Athletic Club; winning my first state championship for my high school across the street. I think about my club coach, who told me I was going to make it.  And the other one, who told me I wasn’t. I thank the people who supported me through all my setbacks. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here. And if it weren’t for the setbacks, I wouldn’t fully grasp how special it is to play for my hometown, in a city that embraces women’s soccer.

I make sure to open my eyes before the anthem ends to witness the thousands of scarves  twirling above their owners’ heads, as if helicopters in support of female equality.

Immediately after, I dart my eyes over to the Rose City Riveter section. The gigantic tifo unravels from the rafters. Every single time, (even if, at first the concepts are too sophisticated for me to understand) my jaw drops. The fans dedicate countless hours for the banner’s one minute of fame.

The final whistle blows, and we stride a lap around the stadium to thank our supporters.  My favorite section to greet is the Multnomah Athletic Club balcony. I look up and see my grandma, whom I call Goggie. She’s easy to spy because the club designated her a specific seat.

“I don’t even have to pay!” Goggie boasts.

She waves down at me as if she is performing the “Y”  in the “YMCA” dance.

I blow her a kiss. She sends me one back.

We turn the corner again. My mom, dad, uncle, brother and family friends are smiling down at me. Whether I play or not, they are always there.

On the final section, we stand in front of the Rose City Riveters. Talk about a P-A-R-T-Y. Even after the game, they’re jumping and chanting like kids who just chugged eleven Red Bulls.

I am convinced the Riveters expend more energy during a match than us players.

We join hands, and swing them up and down to praise their unparalleled support.

We finish the revolution, by shuffling through the autograph line.

___________________________________________________________________

“Can you hear us!?” Do you get nervous?” the red rose face-painted girl asks.

___________________________________________________________________

When you’re a competitor and play sports for a living, you get accustomed to getting in the zone. It’s as if you’re wearing a pair of goggles that tune out the crowd and only get taken off during special moments. Like, when we score a goal at Providence Park. I chuck the glasses aside, hands flail in the air, smoke bombs ignite, and I allow myself to rumble with the roar of the crowd.

Shortly after, it’s back to business. But in Portland. even when the goggles are on, it’s not enough to tune out the crowd.

Despite the chronic rain, Portland has this sunny energy that seeps through your bloodstream.

It’s where my teammates and I coached a Girls Inc. clinic, and a squad of 8-year-old girls screamed “I am fierce!!!” with enough conviction to make the hair on my arms stand up.

It’s where the lead capo and flag crew coordinator, Sunday and Heidi White, invited me to their home, showed me their scarf collection and the hundreds of patches the Riveters sell to each other during games to support one another.

It’s where Sinead Farrelly finished a season with the Thorns, didn’t want to leave, sent out a tweet, and a few days later was taken in by a selfless couple as if she was their own.

It’s where hundreds of supporters greeted and chanted “Build a Bonfire!” with us at the Portland International Airport after winning the NWSL championship.

For me, the city resembles my family, my dreams, my sacrifices. My place.

___________________________________________________________________

“Can you hear us!?” Do you get nervous?” asks the red rose face-painted girl.

We can’t necessarily hear the crowd, but we can feel it. It’s this quiet assurance that the entire city is behind us. That the game means as much to you as it does to us. We are in this together.

Even if I’m no longer a Thorn. Even if I’m thousands of miles away from you. Even if, when I visit, I’m wearing another jersey, I will always feel you Portland.

Thank you for making me proud to call The Rose City home.

ACCOMPANIED PODCAST:

In this episode, I reflect upon my experience playing for my hometown team (one of the best women’s club teams in the world), Portland Thorns FC. I read and expand upon this piece, and let you know how to enter into the giveaway of my old and new Thorns gear. 

Representing the Rose City will always hold a special place in my heart and I’ll remember it forever and ever and ever. Thanks to everyone who has been a part of my journey thus far. Much love Portland!

Listen below or listen via iTunes here: Episode 40-Why Portland is City for Women’s Soccer in the World 

Share the love

If you haven’t already, I would be so very grateful if you rated and left me a review of the podcast. It takes two minutes! Here’s what to do.

1. Click HERE

2. Click “view in itunes”

3. Click the “ratings and reviews” tab

4. Click “write a review” and show me love <3

Resources

Click HERE to become a part of Friday Feelz

Click HERE for a list of the 10 books I believe ever female athlete MUST read.

Click HERE  to be the first to know when a new podcast or article drops, and receive other exclusive content

36-Christine Sinclair- On how to be a leader and her recovery from perfectionism

In today’s episode, I interview the captain of the women’s Canadian national soccer team and Portland Thorns FC striker Christine Sinclair. Christine is a Legend with a capital L. She attended University of Portland (Go Pilots!) While there she was a Mac Hermann trophy recipient and a  2x NCAA champion.  She has received countless other accolades throughout her career including being the a 12x recipient of Canada’s Soccer Player of the Year, 2x bronze Olympic medalist, she’s been short listed for fifa player of the year 7 times, and is the second leading goal scorer in the world, just behind Abby Wambach.

But even more admirable than her accolades, is who Christine is as a human. Despite being one of the top players in the world, she is incredibly down to earth. Christine despises being in the spotlight and is a private person in general, but in our discussion she opens up and explains in her own words, she’s actually not a “hermit.”  You’ll see that she’s a little bit weird and quite funny.

In our conversation we talk about

• How everyone can be a leader, and what it takes to become one

what it was like surpassing her idol Mia Hamm in all-time goals-scored

-The impromptu speech she gave in the locker room to her distraught teammates during the Olympics

-How the loss of multiple family members completely change her perspective on soccer, and allowed her to take her game to the next level

-Why she slurps mustard before and during the half-time of games with Emily Menges  (Emily also makes a guest appearance!)

-The method she uses to become a world-class finisher

-Why she named her achilles tendon “Clarence”

I’d love to hear what you learned from this episode. Please leave a message in the comments

Show Notes

:57 Who is Christine Sinclair?

3:45 Charlie, the love of her life!

5:15 How did Christine choose University of Portland

9:00 How was winning the NCAA women’s soccer championships?

10:05 What is Sinc’s top moment in her career?

11:15 Other sports played by Christine

11:45 When did she know soccer was her main sport?

13:25 Was she always a standout player?

14:04 Did she have goals from the beginning of her career?

14:35 What players did she idolize?

15:32 When did she know she would play in a world cup?

15:44 What did it feel like to surpass Mia Hamm’s goal scoring record?

18:02 Why is Christine so well liked by teammates?

19:45 Does Sinc like being a leader?

21:05 Can everyone be a leader?

22:32 What is Christine’s memories of the 2012 London Olympics

26:57 Why doesn’t Christine like being in the spotlight?

28:15   Her perspective on social media

30:28 How does she deal with her competitiveness?

31:40 The importance of team bonding

36:29 Her battle with being a recovering perfectionist

37:55 How has Sinc learned to play more freely?

40:10 What would she tell her 18 year old self?

42:14 Sinc’s favorite coffee shop

43:42 Favorite restaurant

44:38 How has she dealt with body pain?

50:40 Christine’s stats & records

55:03 What does Sinc like about Portland, Oregon

56:31 Her morning routine

58:34 What is the biggest misconception about Christine?

59:31 What one belief does Christine have that others think is crazy?

1:00:20 Favorite failure

1:02:21 Greatest accomplishment

1:04:32 How has she developed her amazing finishing skills?

1:06:00 What is Sinc’s one simple tip for female athletes

1:07:30 Favorite downtime activity

1:08:15 What does Christine enjoy most about scoring goals

1:08:45 pregame rituals & superstitions

1:09:57 What 3 Thorns players would she choose to be with on a deserted island?

1:10:24 Has there ever been a moment when she wanted to quit soccer?

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EP 34- The Day I Met Ryan Gosling and Decided to Quit Soccer and Travel the World

In today’s episode, I tell the story of the time I was over facing numerous setbacks throughout my soccer career. I contemplated giving up soccer and opening up a frozen coconut yogurt shop, or an earthy chill-vibed cafe, or a surf and soccer school in South America. I also kinda met Ryan Gosling ….

“There comes a point, when these things start to pile up and you inevitably begin to question your trajectory. It’s like if you were to play a continuous game of Jenga for a year straight with friends. And every round, you are the one who pulls out the wood block that makes the entire tower come crashing down. The first few times you may attribute your defeat to luck, or lack thereof, but then after the 12th time you start to wonder if the game is rigged. Or maybe it’s just not your game. Maybe you should just accept that it’s not your game, and go to the cupboard to pick a new one.

“Is soccer just not my game?”

Full written article with pictures HERE

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EP 33- Arrow Tip Tuesday: Love Yourself in the Mirror

I recently watched the above youtube video, of a young girl, Jessica, who  is standing on her bathroom counter, looking into the mirror, and shouting all the things she enjoys about her life. “my whole house is great! I can do anything good….I like my hair! I like my hair cuts! I like my hair ties! I like my pajamas!  I can do anything good!”

It made my heart smile. The video has received over 19 millions views.

What would people think if the video content was the same, except the child was instead, an adult?

My guess is the video would not go viral, understandably, because adults just aren’t as cute. But I believe the behavior would be labeled as childish, self-absorbed, egotistical,  and borderline psycho.

I have a confession: I’m addicted to talking to myself in the mirror. Yes, I am crazy,

but I’d rather be a crazy person who gazes deeply into my own eyes every morning and loves myself, than a crazy person who walks around acting like I’m okay all day, but inside I feel worthless.

It simply feels good. And it feels good to feel good.

There is research up the wazoo about how self-love leads to more happiness, better health decisions, less risk of depression and anxiety, enhanced academic performance, increased problem-solving skills, reduced procrastination…the list goes on (Huffington Post article with scientifically backed benefits here)

I’ve noticed that practicing self-love translates into other areas of my life, including my sport.

I bounce back quicker from an inaccurate pass on a day where my energy feels off, and when I receive criticism. Instead, of swearing at myself and asking what the hell is wrong with me, I send myself some love, and move forward.

Loving ourselves as a child comes naturally, but as we age, it becomes increasingly difficult. We are constantly being influenced by our environment on what is “good” and “bad”, and if we aren’t doing “good” then it’s easy to self-criticize. We have to consciously practice self-love every day or we fall into the comparison trap, and perceive ourselves as inadequate.

Loving myself in the mirror is the single greatest exercise I do to gain confidence.

Our relationship with ourselves is the only one that is guaranteed. We cannot escape the conversations that we have in our own head every day. I don’t know about you, but I personally prefer to talk with kind-hearted souls, rather than bullies.

The Mirror Exercise

1. Look look in the mirror, and stare deep into your eyes. Not in the way you check to make sure your toothpaste isn’t smeared on the sides of your mouth, or that your nose isn’t symmetrical with your lips. But in the way that you would look at the one and only love of your life.

There’s something about looking into your own eyes that forces you to be present and realize that you are a human being who is doing the best they can, just like every other human in this world.

1. Look into your eyes until you feel that you have connected with your true self. You’ll know when you know.

2. Talk to yourself as if you are your best friend. Tell yourself what you love about yourself. I say things like, “I love you. I believe in you. You are the hardest worker I know. I am so proud of you for all you’ve been through. You are a champion. You are the hardest worker I know. Your dreams are coming true.” This is your time to tell yourself what you want to come to fruition, for yourself, and not anyone else.

3. Continue speaking to yourself in the most compassionate, genuine tone, until you feel the way that you want to feel.

4. Repeat this exercise as often as you like (anytime you’re alone with a mirror). I perform it as part ofmy morning routine, after I visualize, make my bed, and move. I find this exercise most effective when I’m feeling low or want to get myself pumped up on life.

This exercise for sure feels bizarre and uncomfortable at first, but I believe you can’t grow without some discomfort. 
If you’re bold enough to try it, let me know what you think. Did you notice a difference in your mood? What kind of things did you say to yourself?

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Resources

Video of girl loving herself in the mirror

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EP 31- The Most Effective Way to Dominate Life

As an athlete, being told to rest is one of the last things that we want to hear. Typically, if there is something wrong in my life, I react by working harder. But when I got my concussion,  my doctor told me that the fastest way to get back on the pitch was to do nothing. So I headed his advice. And the craziest thing happened. I loved it…

“My pure happiness stemmed from tapping into that presence. From being exactly where I was. Unconcerned about what I “had to do” to set me up for success. I did things because I felt like it, because they elevated my well-being, and I trusted that the mental break would get me back on the field sooner.

This joy didn’t come from just relaxing. I have had plenty of “recovery days” over the years. It stemmed from being exactly where I was, and no where else.

Nature has this nonjudgmental way of awakening my soul. It happens when I’m around authentic people, and when I’m immersed in a soccer game. I am more alive and see the world brighter.”

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Resources

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EP 30- Arrow Tip Tuesday: Move in the Morning

When I have a killer workout planned, the worst part is hardly ever during the exercise, but rather the anticipation. It’s the mental chatter:  Ughh, this is going to suck, i just want to get this over with…but once the workout begins, even if I’m gasping for air and praying I make it out alive,  the pre-chatter still was the worst part.

The same thing goes for mornings. Mornings have the potential to be the King of mehhhh-like thoughts.

But like workouts, this pre-chatter isn’t serving us.

And when anything is not serving me, I like to nip it in the bud ASAP.

Tony Robbins, a master of the human psyche,  holds seminars to get people amped up on life. I attended one of his speaking events.  Consistently, people leave feeling like they are on top of the world. One of the main ways he gets people  to change their beliefs is through movement. He says that the mind is the weakest part of our body. This is because our brains are programmed to survive, which can cause us to see things as more threatening than they are in reality… like getting out of bed.

Tony explains that the quickest, most effective way to change our internal state is to move. Physical activity changes the biochemistry in your body. It sends endorphins into the brain and regulates your mood.

One of the exercises Tony had the audience do was to celebrate like it was the greatest moment of your life. To get as into it as possible, throw your arms up in the air, hug people, jump up and down. At this event there were thousands of people screaming like little kids and the energy I felt was outrageous.

When you full on celebrate, extending your arms up, this movement opens up your diaphragm and fires off neurotransmitters into your brain that make you happier.

This is why my morning routine always includes some type of movement.

In episode 27, I detailed the first part of my morning routine, in which I visualize while half-asleep. After this visualization, I get my move on!

My Morning Movement

I stretch out my entire body and yell a positive statement to myself like “let’s goooo kendall, today’s about to be a beautiful day, I love you!!” I’m 110% fully aware that this sounds cheeseball with extra swiss, cheddar and mozzarella, but it works for me. When I yell, rather than whisper, these affirmations radically alter my sleepy state and make me feel more alert. I then get out of bed, and do some sort of exercise.

Moving is powerful stuff. As athletes, there’s a reason we all love moving. It makes us feel good.  I love moving, as long as it’s not the beep test, or a run exceeding 10 miles, or burpees, or hills or…. just kidding, sort of.

But my movement in the morning, takes less than 5 minutes,  and it without fail gets me juiced up.

Prior to my concussion, I had a routine in which I would do 20 push-ups and a one minute plank each way.

But the movement doesn’t even have to be that extreme. I now take a more gentler approach to wake up my body, I begin with some neck and back stretches, and then I finish with whatever movement I’m feeling lunge squats, jumping in the air Tony Robbins style…I do it until my heart rate is elevated my breath quickens, and my body warms.

Then after that, I’m in a way more lively state and ready to seize the day.

I recommend experimenting with what movement works for you. You may like to ease into it with yoga or just get down and dirty. If you want,  try my push-up plank series. The first week I started this program I did 10 push-ups, and then a 30 second plank each way. Each week I added 1 push up and 5 extra seconds to each plank, until I worked my way up to 20 push-ups and 1 minute plank each way.

This would get me Ronda Rousey-fired up to start my day.

Except that I don’t have any desire to beat girls up. I prefer to throw hugs and not punches.  That’s just me.

If you try out my plank/push-up series let me know how you like it! Do you have a morning movement routine? Do you have any suggestions on how I can improve mine?

Let me know!

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Resources

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EP 28- My Whiplash Heatstroke Fifa ‘94 Concussion

In today’s episode, I tell the story of the first game I ever voluntarily subbed myself out of a game: the day I got my concussion. In episode 26, I read my piece Why I Saw Strange Men in my room (and am telling you about it 8 months later). This was the first time I opened up about my concussion.

I wrote that piece as a reflection to process my lack of progress and debilitating state.  Why is this happening to me? Why am I not getting better? Will I ever be able to play soccer again?  I was desperate to find an answer, but finally realized sometimes the best thing we can do is let go and trust that things will work out how they are meant to be.

Today’s piece titled My Whiplash, Heatstroke, Fifa 94 concussion  brings it back to the beginning. From here on out, I will tell my story chronologically. I have learned heaps about concussions, and even more about myself-who I want to be, why I am playing soccer, and my philosophy on life.

I am very passionate about telling my story because I know there are so many people out there who are struggling, feel like they are alone, and may be losing hope.

But, I truly believe that our setbacks are our biggest teachers. That’s the whole reason behind Arrow Living’s name. “An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. In life, when you’re faced with difficulties, it means it’s going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.”

Link to full written article with pictures: My whiplash heat stroke Fifa ‘94 Concussion

For great resources and concussion recovery support check out: : Headwayfoundation.com

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Resources

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EP 26- Why I Saw Strange Men in my Room (and am telling you about it 9 months later)

In 2015, I suffered a concussion that completely changed my life. My entire career I have been someone who prides themselves on working hard.  If someone tells me I’m not going to make it, I say “thank you” and add fuel to the fire.

During our offseason, we are in control of our training. For me, most days are double days, at least, and then I’d spend my free time at coffee shops writing.

But this offseason, I couldn’t even walk, ride in a car, or be around people for extended periods of time without debilitating symptoms.

Despite my symptoms, I was determined to get back in time for the start of the NWSL season. .

But my body literally wouldn’t let me “work harder” to get back.

When you lose the thing that you dedicated your entire life to, when you have to drastically reduce your daily activities, and when the sole purpose of your entire day is to just get through the day with minimal symptoms, it makes you think about life differently.

I asked myself questions I never pondered before:

Why do I want to play soccer so badly? Who am I if I don’t have soccer? Why am I so desperate to find answers? What’s the purpose of my life?

It is this self-examination of my motives and feelings behind my aspirations that has had the most profound impact on my life-far beyond any workout regimen, diet, or training strategy.

My concussion has been by far my biggest life teacher.

The extreme lack of resources out there for proper concussion treatment is astounding. I have searched far and wide for answers, traveled across the country and up to Canada to see a neck specialist, implemented a new nutrition plan, and tried out dozens of other unconventional approaches (which I plan to write about).

I want to share what I have learned. But above all,  I want to provide hope for anyone who is going through a difficult time, even if it’s not a concussion.

Even though my symptoms were immobilizing, the internal struggle far exceeded the physical pain.

I know that feeling of hopelessness and loneliness: no one understands my situation, why do things like this always happy to me, will I ever get better?

We all have our own unique struggle, that’s no better or worse than anyone else’s. It’s just life.

And this is mine.

I have a separate “my concussion story” section on Arrow Living  in which I will continue telling my story, as well as interview specialists, and people who have helped me along the way.

If you know anyone whom you think this would help. Please pass it along.

Full written article: /why-i-saw-strange-men-in-my-room-and-am-telling-you-about-it-9-months-later/

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Resources

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EP 21-Katherine Reynolds: Professional Soccer Player- On working hard, striving to be your best, and picking a wedding dress

Professional soccer player, Katherine Reynolds has played in 79 out of the 86 National Women’s Soccer League matches. However, her path to becoming a consistent starter did not come without it’s challenges.

After attending Santa Clara University, Katherine was drafted to the Boston Breakers. Just days before the beginning of the season, she was unexpectedly cut from the team. Katherine ended up getting picked up by the the Philadelphia Union. That season, she seldom saw the field, and considers that year one of the most challenging ones of her life. But, Katherine is someone who prides herself on working hard, and the following year, her career took off. Katherine has played every minute of every game in multiple seasons. It’s incredible feat just to stay injury-free at the professional level, and testament to her reliable, consistent play.  

In our conversation, we talk about the responsibility that comes with being the oldest of four sisters, how she became an 8 time state champion in track by her sophomore year of high school and then decided to quit, the crazy story on how she very-last-minute got recruited by her dream school Santa Clara University, how she deals with the stress of playing professionally, her recent engagement and what she’s looking for in a wedding dress.

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EP 20- Losing Someone Close to Your Heart

Today on the podcast, I share a piece I wrote as a reflection to process the first time I lost someone really close to my heart; my grandma.

As athletes, we invest our heart and souls into our sport. We become obsessed with being the best. And we get in this routine of waking up every day wanting to be faster and stronger and better and better and better and when things aren’t aligning the way we’d like, it can be stressful. We get worked up when our coach yells at us for messing up a drill, or we have to run extra sprints, or we show up late for training because of traffic…. We can fall into this rut for days, or months or even years and question, “why is this happening to me???”

And then, out of nowhere, something unexpected happens that jolts you back into the present. It makes you realize that what we were worrying about was minuscule and meaningless in the grand scheme of life.

The above  picture perfectly encapsulates everything my grandma means to me. I just finished playing a game at Providence Park, and ran over to my family’s seats to give them some love. I was greeted by my grandma, who’s grin I can still feel beaming down on me today.  She’s wearing  the purest smile. No verbal exchange is necessary. I can see her genuine excitement to be in that moment. She carried this demeanor with her every day. Fully invested in the the now. Her smile reminds me of the power of presence. We do not have to wait for some life-changing loss, injury, or tragedy to gain perspective. Every single day, we can choose how we want to show up for life. I choose to be grateful and live fully. What do you choose?

Full written article with images here: dear-nonie-one-last-letter-on-love-and-traveling-every-day/

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